End of a Chapter

I am angry. And bitter. And just a little bit jaded all over again. This time I thought it was real, and honest and secure. I felt safe. I felt loved. And I, for the first time, felt sexy and wanted. So what went wrong? I don’t fucking know. And I want to instinctively blame myself as we women are wont to do. But, this time, it was NOT my fault. And that just make me a little bit angrier because the final outcome of how this relationship ended was entirely out of my control.

I had it good this time round. It was a mature, healthy, loving relationship. I had never felt so safe and adored. Within the relationship itself I was great. Never been so giving, accommodating, supportive, passionate and in love. So sue me for thinking this was would stand the test of time.

But you see… No matter how ‘good” we are in a relationship, or how good we think the relationship is, anything can go wrong at any time. Unfortunately we can’t change how people feel, or how circumstances change. Sometime things happen that are just beyond our control and no matter how much we try to fix it, we can’t. And we have to accept this. But for a control freak like me, who likes to have most things as close to perfect as possible this is a bitter pill to swallow.

I have been working very hard at letting go, moving on, giving it over to God even. Day dreaming of that phone call where he says “Oh my god I have been such a horse’s ass! You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me! Come back to me now, or I will die!” But chicka, it aint happening. When my heart starts playing these fucked up games with my brain, my brain luckily kicks in and says “Wake UP dumbass!! You’re an intelligent, strong, funny as hell (she says that because she knows I like it), independent woman! This was not your fault! It’s the end of a chapter, not the end of the world, pick up a new book and carry on!” And then I am ok for a while again… I love my brain, she is one smart cookie.

So even though at this stage my brain is winning the fight against heartbreak, my heart, she is still broken. She is sad, and disappointed and confused. And I don’t know how to make her feel better. She misses his company, she misses being a couple, she misses her best friend… and while Brain tries to keep reminding her that there could be someone else out there, and that she can do things she couldn’t do before. Heart will whisper “But I loved him, I wanted him..” and she will jump at the sound of a BB message, and her pulse will rate whenever the phone rings.

Until enough time has passed. Then we can smile when we see him in the street because it is good to see him, and it doesn’t hurt any more. What happened has happened for a reason. People will come and go, they will teach you things, they might even make you better people. Like he did for me. But it doesn’t mean that they are here to stay, and it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. It just means we have to learn from these comets, take what we can from the situation, learn our lessons and move on as savvier people.

So to the Avatar I must say.. Thank you for loving me the way you did, for the amount of time you could. You taught me that I can have a healthy and loving relationship, and things can still end, but it’s not always my fault (like I always believed in the past). You taught me empathy, patience and what the real meaning of strong was. I will never meet anyone like you again, and it was a joy to have shared in your miraculous life. Oh and shot for that teaching me all those tricks with the you-know-whats in the you-know-where.. You rocked at that and I will be forever grateful to have had it ssoo good for ssoo long! Sob…

Aaaahhh sweet!

How much does my son, the Wise Ass, love me? Apparently more that the entire uni-wors!

In Honour of Women's Day..

My life would be dead and incomplete without my circle of strength and trust; my girlfriends. I am lucky to have strong, loyal and honest woman in my life who ground me, make me laugh; help dry my tears and who give the most invaluable advice. I would be nothing without them.

Most women are blessed to have one or two of these wonderful friendships in their lifetime. My cup runneth over with not one, or two, but 6 best friends. Who also all know each other, and all get along fabulously. Our brunches, dinners and nights outs are more imaginatively debauched than Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda’s could ever be.

We celebrate our children and share in each other’s pride. We respect each other’s relationships with our significant others (whether it be husband, boyfriend, or one night stand). We give each other love, support, advice, wine and chocolate. Sometimes in that order, sometimes the chocolate comes out for no reason at all besides the fact that it’s Tuesday. We spoil the pregnant, and we adore the babies. We mourn the losses and we help build each other back up after devastation.

There is no jealousy, and there is no back-biting or fighting. We are all very different women who enjoy the diversity of our group. We are married, single, co-habiting, divorced, with children, and without. And the honesty with which we treat each other always allow us room to talk about what’s bothering us, and we are not afraid to say the things to each other that we all sometimes desperately need to hear. It’s always an eye opener to view yourself, or something you did, through the eyes of someone else. And I for one appreciate that kind of truthfulness. It can help us stop making stupid mistakes all over again, it can help break bad habits and help us see our lives from a different perspective.

So to the wonderfully fabulous Girlz who make every day worth getting up for.. Thank you, I love you. You know who you are…

Things I will teach my son one day!

Things that giving birth to live young has taught me..

Don’t. Use protection. Save yourself the ordeal and go have a holiday instead.

In fact with what private hospitals cost these days you could have an off-your-face-awesome island getaway.

You won’t care that you will be losing control of your bladder and bowels in front of a room full of strangers. They just need to get the puffer fish that’s exploded in your cervix out NOW!

You will become a proud advocate for prescription drugs and will start referring to them, as Mick Jagger once did, as “Mother’s Little Helpers”.

You will be going back to school. Starting all the way back in Grade One, at the age of 30 something. And this time you may fail.. Also you will be surprised at the fact that you ever learnt to read at all in the first place.

You may never sleep again. In your entire life.

You know nothing.

You do have eyes in the back of your head, & supersonic hearing. Your sense of smell may fool you though. Because you will only detect the whiff of a runny guts diaper AFTER you have left the house, locked it behind you and strapped him into the car seat for a 5 hour car trip.

Labour is painful. Contractions hurt. And I can still remember the pain. Don’t let those hippy, drug-free, “no screaming in the theatre” moms fool you.

You will always worry that your child may become the next Adolf Hitler or Jeffrey Dahmer.

No one tells you how much a baby farts. It’s surprisingly quite a lot. And loud. It           may wake you from REM sleep.

Plastic takkies are fucking hot, and burn, after the come out of a 2 hour cycle in the tumble dryer.

Pet fish die at a rate of knots. Puppies last longer and cats will scare the bejesus outta you in the middle of the night.

That you would quite easily do it all again, if it meant that you could have the exact same sprog all over again…

Happy Birthday Wise One.. Thanks for making every day a pleasure and a pain. I love you a thousand, plus 1.

What do these cartoons have in common...

I can relate....

When the Wise One had his tonsils removed last year he recuperated in my room to watch cartoons.
When I came in to surprise him with some ice cream the surprise was on me! He was sitting on the bed, calmly massaging his neck with my large blue glittery Rabbit, named Jack Hammer!!
Trying NOT to panic I calmly asked "What you doing, love?" And he sighed a large sigh filled with years of weariness and said "Aaahh just massaging my neck mom.. It's so sore..".
I slowly put the bowl of ice cream down and faultered over what to say. Remembering Lofty had a muscle massager wand in the lounge I said "Umm, I think that one's batteries are dead. Why dont we try the one in the lounge, and put that one very far away.."
"Okay.." he said, pushed the right (?) button to switch it off and returned it to the drawer.

Am I a bad mother if the first thought that came into my head when I saw him was "Where the fuck is my camera??"

Turning 40, is a walk on the Beach!

In January I threw my boyf and I a party for our birthdays which are a week apart.. Hawaii Style sista! Oh and by the way, he is the one turning 40, NOT me! Not yet..

Help yourself!

What a stunning party, all the hard work and money was well worth it. The Avatar had so much fun and I think he really appreciated the gesture. It warms the heart and does.. Umm.. something to the cockles. I can’t remember coz I don’t have cockles.

Anyone for some Hawaiin koek?

So many people came; we got such lovely gifts (not at all like the vibrating Jack Hammer that I got last year from the girlz!). All Avatar’s mates pitched, which I think is great for us as a couple. We seem to have no trouble integrating our two groups of friends. But I do believe there were some raised eyebrows from his kinfolk when Patty & Jody brought out the snorkel-funnels! Ha ha hahah haa.. So what. They’ll get used to them. I hope.

Only The Journo (my resident bff and cousin extraordinaire) was missing…

Best quote of the weekend?

Top Gear Gal: I like these goggles, when you wear them they make everything look bigger!

Cybafaerie: Maybe you should take them to bed with you...

Top Gear Gal's reason for the goggles...

I am NOT that Woman!

Like this? Nooo...

More like this...

I love reading a certain Men's Mag (no name mentioned). I love their quirky quips, their funny, and extremely odd facts, and their informative and well written articles..

I was sadly disappointed. The women who write for them CANNOT be real!!

The two birds (yes I called them birds, because they certainly aint my type of woman!) make the female of the species to be bar stool sitting, GHD'ed haired (and probably very platinum in shade), cocktail swilling, sequin dress wearing, "whoo hoo" yelling "poppies". Who, at the flick of a wrist, will throw a drink in your face if you haven't propositioned her with the correct pick up line, or if your bank statement doesn't cut it. I am sorry... Who the fuck does that! Not me and not my friends! So please don’t let these women tar us all with the same brush fellas.

For example.. The article was about signs that a women give off if you’re "in there". The author came across as snobby and rude and even made mention that if you don’t approach her correctly you run a very high risk of getting a drink chucked over you, in front of your mates!! How awful, and unmannered!

If you approached me in a bar I would assume its taken a shit load of guts and I would never be so cruel as to slap you down with a rude retort, or chuck a drink in your face. Especially in front of others, or your mates. If I was going to give the fella bat I would just say "Thanks, but not thanks" and move on. If I was taken I would also just say so. Most of us are not into game playing in the relationship arena.

The other Barbie doll gave the relationship advice. Wow. Umm… Ok we don’t all have stripper poles in the bedroom and have sex for weeks. Let’s come down to earth people. Most of us work for a living, a lot have kids. Can’t you write for us too?

It reads like it’s written by a young single male, who is pretending to be a fantasy woman, and giving women advice on what men want. And yet it’s supposed to be a woman giving men advice on their partners…

The mag is target market is men. Men in general. Which means that most of these men will be in relationships and that their ladies will have a sneak peek at the mag too. So let’s ask that they get a real women to write the articles on women and relationships.

And by real woman I mean someone who has maybe not fitted into her sequin dress in years, has quit smoking, has had her heart broken, who wears granny pants to work and g-strings only for her boyfriend (because they are really uncomfortable). Someone who likes to bake and scream obscenities at the rugby on a Saturday. Someone who has lived, yet is still learning. Someone who doesn’t like being in the “all women” generalization. Someone who may not be a porn star in the making, but enjoys sex just as much as the next guy. And someone who does not allow PMS, or acting crazy “just because we are women”, be an excuse for bad behaviour.

Someone like me? Maybe…