You take the words from my mouth!

Nobody says it like Dorothy Black (The Dot Spot)!

Probably because she is undercover, and I would be burnt at the stake for saying the things I really want to some days.

I loved this post of hers what-the-fuck-happened-to-this-week! I related to most of what she said.. Well except for the whole sex thing, because well I aint getting any.

But I know how she felt. Some days the aggression I feel just floors me, and I could quite easily do grievous bodily harm to some people. And I hate feeling like that, because it's just not me. But sometimes, ne.. We just can't help it.

So thanks for saying it for me, you rock!!

And I quote:

it sucked because every plan i made was unmade.

it sucked because it dawned on me this week that i might not know how to fuck normally anymore & because i realized the last truly awesome actual, connecting sex i had was over a year ago.

it sucked because i’m intensely disapproving of winter and being freezing.

it sucked because of people who blow hot and cold; because of crossing limits i don’t understand with people i barely know.

it sucked because validation still makes me happy and feel more secure.

it sucked because i don’t know when to shut my mouth. or open it.
it sucked because i just want to find a reset button without losing everything i’ve gained.

it sucked because it just sucked. because i have so much on my list of Things to Do and all i really want to do is lie on the cushions in front of a fire, naked and warm with someone yummy and dissolve into feeling.

it sucked because the whole week felt like i was grasping at straws and drowning in the process.

........ sigh........ i love that.....
 

Cousins are the Best Family

They say that you can choose your friends, but not your family. With family, in most cases unfortunately, it’s a “What you get, is what you get” kinda deal. Fucking sucks, but ja, what can you do.. That’s why I thank Baby Jesus, every day, for giving me Miss Journo. She’s the best pal a gal can have, and she’s family! Which means that she knows the psychos I deal with on a daily basis, and chooses not to judge me by them. And she loves me like a sister in spite of it. (I had to put that sister part in there because of you perverts out there, who are now getting hot lesbian sex clips in your head!).

Besides being in-stitches, wet your pants, funny. She is wise. We can finish each other’s sentence (but not after 3 bottles of wine, then we cant speak at all). We have the same nicknames for people, without even telling each other. And we talk in code so as to confuse others, and to appear more polite than we are actually being.

I can read her like a book, and she me.. She is the one person in my life I have never felt afraid to say absolutely anything to! And I mean anything. Including her Bad Boy’s Haircut of 1995, and the You’re Being a Bitch / Prime Circle debacle. We have mutual respect for each other, which I think is very important. She thinks I am an awesome mother, with a wonderful son (who takes after his mother). And I live vicariously through her, and her Carrie Bradshaw antics. We phone each other just to cry, and laugh, into the handsets. Sometimes laugh until we cry, or cry until we laugh again. When she goes overseas for extended periods, there is a hole in my phone where her bb’s used to be. And I physically feel her absence in silence of daily emails and phone calls, even though we have lived in different cities since we left school.

She is the one person who gets me, and my crazies, and my twisted cracked sense of humour, and feeds it with more fucked up shit only I will laugh at, and then feeds off it by thinking I am hilarious! It’s a vicious, ego boosting, circle we share! An added bonus is, she is almost psychic. I say almost because we haven’t had her tested yet, and she did such a kak job on her Durban July predictions. Our horse hasn't even come in yet.

Yes, that's us buttsexing on the right.. Before we knew what buttsex was!!

More civilized, and very young..

So here’s to you Miss Journo… My Ode to Flange!

Happy Birthday to someone who shares the same traits I do.. Gorgeousness, hilarity, and an abundance of dark hair! And no greys ;o)

My Flange.. You are the Meredith to my Yang, the Thelma to my Louise, and my life would suck without you! (Thank you Kelly Clarkson for that mind blowing line)

I know this year is not the same as last year, but let’s be fair, I can’t keep allowing you to turn 28 AGAIN! People are starting to talk time travel and space-time-continuance when your back is turned. Also I know that last year you woke up next to a hawt beefy Australian.. Sorry I couldn't make it this year, but that accent was killing my throat! Next year choose something easier, like german, or scottish!

So in closing.. I want to say that a girl couldn't ask for a better BFFF (the extra eff is for the effing eff word okay) than you..

Not only am I proud to call you friend, I would definitely say that you are one family I would choose over and over, and over, again.

Love you long time, miss you every day (sad crying face)! Maybe one day we will get it right to live in the same zip code again!! And hopefully before we either end up in the same jail cell or old age home dormitory room!

I wish I was there to celebrate the 10th Anniversary of your 26th Birthday with you! We would tear the arse outta it!!

Have a rocking day biaatch!! Mwah!!

Have a LARGE one on me..

And I'll have a LARGE one for you!

Turn Me On - The Fray

I dunno what it is about this song.. I just does things to my happy place. I can listen to it again and again, and often do. Hahhaa.. I am sure I will be sick of it soon the way I am OCD'ing on it.

Who are you to judge?

Recently there was an article on News24 from a woman who calls herself the FridaFactor, called "I am a racist". Most of you will remember it, it went viral quite quickly. So I went to her blog and read some more of her stuff as I felt the article was spot on. She had said out loud a lot of what a lot of South Africans think about that topic, but wont voice. I thought "Bravo".

Then I got to an entry called "Where have all the real men gone?" and my blood ran cold! This is a woman with a partner and a child, and this is what she thought of women raising men! How archaic and undeserving we are to have received this judgement. So I replied to her post............

"After sharing your "I am Racist" post all over my Facebook & twitter, after sharing your inspirational blogs with my girlfriends, I am disappointed and disgusted to read your "Where have all the real men gone".

I am a single mom, and no I don't have to ask myself why I am upset, and wonder if I am scarring my son.. I am, as BOTH my still married parents scarred me. It's what parents do, it's a rite of passage, it's how we learn to do things better our turn around. I do not hate men, and I don't raise my son with any agenda to right the wrongs of hurts past.In fact I love men, and I love sex, and I can't wait to find a good man to share it with. Until then I will stand at the rugby field, at the side of the swimming pool, and at the fence of the tennis court, and wait patiently in the clubhouse for my son to finish his golf lesson. When he falls and hurts himself I will tell him to get up and walk it off. If he needs to learn to fish I will recruit an uncle or cousin to do so. I let him watch action movies, and ride his bike in the streets! He is very much a man's man, and I did that all by myself. A woman! A single mom!!! So don't sit there and judge and generalize, and throw generic accusations just to make yourself heard. Instead of blaming moms being to soft on their sons, ask yourself why those particular women choose to do that??

I am mature enough to realize that relationships end, and circumstances change. And so we get on with our lives, and stop laying blame at everybody elses feet. And I know that not all men are the same, and that I have more good relationships to look forward to. And this I teach my son. Treat all people kindly, and with respect, until they prove themselves unworthy of it. Be kind to animals. Admire beauty in the world, whether it be a pretty girl or an awesome skateboard maneuver, or even a flower. That does not make him a fop. It makes him a caring individual. And it doesn't make me an overbearing, pussy whipping mother.

It's always hard to be tough on your child, but I do that because he is a boy. And how I raise him worries me every day, and I hope to god that I do right by him. Then you come, and you judge me, and you make unfair statements, which are not even true to my situation. Yet they hurt, and they erode just a teensy bit of my mothering confidence, because now I wonder where this came from for you, and am I doing the right thing, and am I a good enough mother??? All this, just because you couldn't keep one ugly, unfair, unsubstantial claim of knowledge to yourself.

Thank you for telling me that as a single mom to a boy I am already disadvantaging him. Even though staying with his dad, to make him the "man" you want him to be, would mean a lifetime of unhappiness for all of us. And no, my ex is not a bad man, and we are still friends, and I did not end up as a resentful bitter women who is now out to teach all men a lesson starting with my own flesh and blood!

As a mother yourself, don't you feel you are being unfair. Just because you have a daughter it makes your situation better and easier than mine? Would it be better for me to give up my child to a someone who can't care for him as a child should be looked after at this stage, JUST because he has a penis and I don't? What kind of mother gives up her child for that reason alone in any case?

Like I said. I may have a son, and I may have a vagina.. But it means fuck all at the end of the day when you are doing a proper job of raising whatever gender child you have. If you make the choice to go it on your own, then already you have chosen to step up to the plate, and do what needs to be done.

The very same argument could be made for inter-racial adoptions. What does the one race know about raising the other? Or would asking you to write about that make me racist?"

A day at Goose Beach is never a walk in the Park!

My dad has this saying for me.. He says ‘Chantelle, if it wasn’t for shit luck, you’d have no luck at all my girl!” And he is right. I am not one of those people that happen to have things fall in their lap, men at their feet, fabulous jobs being thrown at them, cars that always work.. Life seems to test me at every turn. I have learnt this lesson from an early age, and learnt to cope, adjust and compromise as I go. I can literally make a plan for any situation! Because I have been through them all. So when clock strike of 2012 came around I yelled out and declared my prophesy to the world (well at least those in Albatross Street)! That 2012 was going to be MY year! A year for me to change direction, find love, get a great job, and turn my son into the best kid on the planet!

Life turned around and said “Oh yeah?? Really? You’re being a bit cocky, we’ll show you!”

So even though we are only 4 months in I have had to eat my words, & endure extreme highs and almost devastating lows. And most nights I am physically tired from fighting, what I feel, is and ongoing uphill battle just to survive! Yet I can’t sleep because I worry too much about what, when and the greatest question of all “WHY ME?” AGAIN!!”. But I awake the next morning ready to start again. It’s a clean slate for the time being. I am a pro circuit surfer on the waves that is my life. And every day I see how strong I can be, how well I cope with what I get handed, and how efficiently I can rationalize the drama and overcome it. And I know for a lot of people that that’s not easy. And I am grateful that it’s something I can do without medication or therapy. I didn't say I couldn’t do it without my wine though.

So the lows so far…

I was in my first accident in 15 years! And no there was zero alcohol or giving of blow jobs involved! A ridiculous fender bender, which left my poor Rckstar with R27000’s worth of damage!! Poor baby.. Which would have been fine enough, if the fucking insurance company, and panelbeater, hadn’t tried to screw me over in the process! I spent two month sending snotty emails, making hundreds of unanswered calls, and complaining to the National Consumer Commission AND the Insurance Ombudsman. To no avail I might add, so don’t bother. Only to go fetch my baby and have her presented to me with a broken windscreen! After many more emails, phone calls and temper tantrums, and another 4 weeks, I finally had that replaced on the original claim.

Then 24 hours before I was due to appear in court for the finalization of my divorce, my lawyer’s offices try to tell me I need to pay the account in full or they will remove my case from the roll. This, 3 weeks after I received my first bill from them, after a year of being their client. Needless to say he got a piece of my mind too. Within 24 hours he saw things my way, of course, and I was able to get into court.

And last week I had to play Nancy Drew when my son's very expensive toys went missing from his bedroom. Thanks to my investigative skills, and awesome letter writing abilities, I managed to track said items down to a house down the road and go and fetch them! Never mess with a mother!

On the lank kiff side…

I have decided to stop procrastinating and follow my dreams! I signed up for a year long photographic diploma, and I am in 7^th heaven doing what I have wanted to since a teenager. For the first time in years I have a serious hobby (which I hope will turn into something more professional), and I am spending money on myself because of it. For the first time in years I have goals and hopes and dreams. And even though it’s all a bit scary in this unknown territory (I am so used to putting everyone else first), I am fighting through because it’s something I really want. Already my efforts are being rewarded and it makes me want to do more and more! My photos came in 1^st and 2^nd place in a competition I entered in a local business magazine, and I won two very nice cameras, plus a course in digital photography which I have always wanted to do. Then recently at our Town’s Annual Show 2 more of my photos were awarded first place, in different categories. These 2 achievements have shown me I am on the right track, and that I need to keep on keeping on.

Then besides that my baking has really taken off! Who knew so many people wanted cake! Besides me of course.. Hahhaaa.. I am having so much fun creating it amazes me! Me? After spending years telling everyone “I wish I was creative, I wish I could make things!” I am doing things I would never have seen myself doing 5 years ago, and that makes me proud of myself, and my accomplishments. And trust me it’s been a very long time since I have felt pride in myself at all.

And finally, after 4 years of separation, my divorce is finalized! I said please and thank you and all I remember the judge saying was “The court declares the bonds of marriage dissolved”. Right there and then I could have French kissed that fat, grey, 60 year old man, given a triumphant fist pump and skipped out that court room.

So in conclusion...

I have always said “Life is too short to be doing anything except that which makes you happy”, but I have never put it into practice in my own life until now. And it’s true. Every day we age a little more, every day we have lost time, and every day we could miss an opportunity that we can’t get back. Unfortunately I am not getting any younger, and I am scared I am going to turn around one day and say “If only I had…”. And I don’t want that. I want to be able to look back and say “Remember when…”

So, despite 2012 starting off as dog’s balls, I have very high expectations of myself, and this year.

PS: If you’re wondering why I haven’t elaborated on my son’s training, it’s because even though that is a constant struggle, and battle of wits (unfortunately he is a smart ass like his mother), I don’t worry too much about him. What I am doing works, he is an amazing, smart, funny, gorgeous, awesome, loveable kid, and I couldn’t be prouder of him if I tried.

VD anyone?

I can list countless cliche'd reasons why I hate Valentine's Day..

I can blame consumerism, and say it's just one day and we should spend everyday telling the one we love that we love them. I can say that it's a Hallmark holiday created to sell cheap chocolate wrapped in coloured foil.
I can say the snogging couples at every turn make me want to physically abuse something.

But I wont. Because I will be honest. I hate Valentine's Day because I am alone, and maybe just a little bitter at being jaded, by the romantic notion of love, by a countless number of disappointing relationships.

I want to believe. I do.. I want to expect the card in the post from the secret admirer, the anonymously sent flowers at the office so all your colleagues can see, or sharing a box of my favourite cacoa delicacy on the couch, wrapped around someone fabulous. But that little bubble popped for me years ago.. I am now cynical, and pessimistic even though I don't want to be. I will spend the day mocking those that do all the traditions, I will post anti-vd cartoons on my facebook, buy my own chocolate (and eat it all myself, probably whilst on my new exercise bike) and go to bed with my vibrator (because in celebration I did buy Him a new battery at least).

But then again maybe, just maybe, one day someone will change all that for me.
That's what hope does you see, it floats..

I bit the proverbial bullet..

As you can gather, from a certain previous post, that I hate exercise. Hate it. Detest it. I wish it was never invented. I wish the Big Man had given Cavemen go-karts and R1's instead of them having to run after those Buffalo and woolly Mammoths with flimsy half assed spears!

But no ja, according to hundreds (probably millions actually, but I am in skeptical denial) of experts say that the shit is good for you. Combined with the fact that I am not getting any younger (much to my disgust), I decided to do some. Exercise that is.. So I bought myself a second hand spinning bike. Well at least I think it's a spinning bike? The wheels go really fast? Anyway…

It took me 3 days to actually get it out the bakkie first of all, so determined was my procrastination and absolute fear of keeling over from a heart attack.

But eventually she (I say she because she is an absolute BITCH!) was hooked up to electricity, and facing my very large flat screen. Ready to go. But I wasn’t, not yet. We sat there staring at each other in morbid fascination. Deciding that, like oral sex, this bike wasn’t gonna ride itself, I got up and gingerly approached her. Not wanting to startle her I talked sweetly to her, asking her not to be afraid my large ass, reassuring her that I would never deliberately hurt her and asked her to return that particular favour. I had become the Bicycle Whisperer..

Tenderly I adjusted the seat and handlebars. Careful not to scratch or push too hard. Finally she and I were both ready, it was now or never.

I stood next to her, one hand on the seat and one on the handlebars and quickly swung my leg over. Now if you know me I don’t easily swung my leg over anything, or anybody. I felt rather vulnerable at this point, but pushed forward. I felt safe in the knowledge that unlike it’s four legged counter part it was not gonna be able to throw me. I could fall off, but that’s another post.

So I was on.

My son sat quietly across the room, watching me intently. He’d never seen me do any serious exercise before either. Once we tried some Yoga / Pilates moves with an aunt’s gym ball but he laughed so much he eventually peed himself and had to leave the room. I took that as an opportunity to never humiliate my son like that again and ceased all rigorous movement. Grabbing a coke from the fridge and a cigarette I decided I could never attempt anything like that again!

I fiddled with some settings, pressed start and off I went. My legs actually moved, I didn’t fall off, and Kai was smiling. It all looked good so far. I kept going for 15 minutes. After 3 minutes Kai eventually piped up “Mom! I can see it already!!” Panicking I whipped around looking for what was hanging out that shouldn’t be. “What?” I yelled! “You mom! You looking slimmer already..” he replied chuffed. It was so sweet of him, I almost shot a tear. Secretly I believed it to.. Because I mean really it had been 3 minutes!

And so I have kept going, every morning and every evening. Granted it’s only been 3 days. But I have a good feeling about this… Maybe the elevated dopamine levels have already started to change my outlook on exercise? Who knows.. But for the following reason I need to keep at it:

1        I want to lose MORE weight!

2        I want to play cricket with my son for more that 2.47 minutes at a time.

3        I want to dance.. Like take classes!

4        Its good for my diabetes

5        I would like to get laid within the next century again

6        Oh ja, and apparently it’s good for you?

They say it takes about 21 days to form a habit. So right now that is my goal. Just 21 days. And see where I end up.

My friend, The Adrenalin Junkie (riding, canoeing, jogging, sometimes all 3 at once!) has already emailed me the training schedule for the Amashova Bike Race. He reckons “You got 10 months; you’ll be fine, aim for 4 hours.” When I sarcastically asked why aim for 4 when I can do it in 5 he responded “It’s only 106km! And it’s from Pietermaritzburg to Durban, that’s all downhill!!”

I can hear him sniggering; I haven’t spoken to him since.

And so, because I am doing something out of my comfort zone, I challenge everyone who thinks they can’t do something to just try it. Even if it’s only once.. You never know.. Any second could be the second that changes your life.

How I think I look..

 

How I actually look..

Hhhmmm, Me? Good? I dunno about that hey..

One of my favourites cousins (yes I have a few) is turning the big 3-0 this month.. (Shame doll, it's all downhill from here!) Instead of the usual drink-till-you-fall-on-your-face blowout (which personally, is my favourite) she has come up with a rather lovely idea...

She has challenged her mates to do 30 good deeds in the month of February. We will have to send her our daily or weekly roster of deeds which she will add onto her website, Facebook etc.

Lovely idea.. Lovely..

Except I fucking suck at good deeds! I regard not smashing a taxi driver in the face every morning a good deed. So if she counts that I am already ahead of everyone by 29 deeds.
That leaves me with one more to accomplish.. Now if only I can think of one..

Wish me luck!

End of a Chapter

I am angry. And bitter. And just a little bit jaded all over again. This time I thought it was real, and honest and secure. I felt safe. I felt loved. And I, for the first time, felt sexy and wanted. So what went wrong? I don’t fucking know. And I want to instinctively blame myself as we women are wont to do. But, this time, it was NOT my fault. And that just make me a little bit angrier because the final outcome of how this relationship ended was entirely out of my control.

I had it good this time round. It was a mature, healthy, loving relationship. I had never felt so safe and adored. Within the relationship itself I was great. Never been so giving, accommodating, supportive, passionate and in love. So sue me for thinking this was would stand the test of time.

But you see… No matter how ‘good” we are in a relationship, or how good we think the relationship is, anything can go wrong at any time. Unfortunately we can’t change how people feel, or how circumstances change. Sometime things happen that are just beyond our control and no matter how much we try to fix it, we can’t. And we have to accept this. But for a control freak like me, who likes to have most things as close to perfect as possible this is a bitter pill to swallow.

I have been working very hard at letting go, moving on, giving it over to God even. Day dreaming of that phone call where he says “Oh my god I have been such a horse’s ass! You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me! Come back to me now, or I will die!” But chicka, it aint happening. When my heart starts playing these fucked up games with my brain, my brain luckily kicks in and says “Wake UP dumbass!! You’re an intelligent, strong, funny as hell (she says that because she knows I like it), independent woman! This was not your fault! It’s the end of a chapter, not the end of the world, pick up a new book and carry on!” And then I am ok for a while again… I love my brain, she is one smart cookie.

So even though at this stage my brain is winning the fight against heartbreak, my heart, she is still broken. She is sad, and disappointed and confused. And I don’t know how to make her feel better. She misses his company, she misses being a couple, she misses her best friend… and while Brain tries to keep reminding her that there could be someone else out there, and that she can do things she couldn’t do before. Heart will whisper “But I loved him, I wanted him..” and she will jump at the sound of a BB message, and her pulse will rate whenever the phone rings.

Until enough time has passed. Then we can smile when we see him in the street because it is good to see him, and it doesn’t hurt any more. What happened has happened for a reason. People will come and go, they will teach you things, they might even make you better people. Like he did for me. But it doesn’t mean that they are here to stay, and it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. It just means we have to learn from these comets, take what we can from the situation, learn our lessons and move on as savvier people.

So to the Avatar I must say.. Thank you for loving me the way you did, for the amount of time you could. You taught me that I can have a healthy and loving relationship, and things can still end, but it’s not always my fault (like I always believed in the past). You taught me empathy, patience and what the real meaning of strong was. I will never meet anyone like you again, and it was a joy to have shared in your miraculous life. Oh and shot for that teaching me all those tricks with the you-know-whats in the you-know-where.. You rocked at that and I will be forever grateful to have had it ssoo good for ssoo long! Sob…

Aaaahhh sweet!

How much does my son, the Wise Ass, love me? Apparently more that the entire uni-wors!

In Honour of Women's Day..

My life would be dead and incomplete without my circle of strength and trust; my girlfriends. I am lucky to have strong, loyal and honest woman in my life who ground me, make me laugh; help dry my tears and who give the most invaluable advice. I would be nothing without them.

Most women are blessed to have one or two of these wonderful friendships in their lifetime. My cup runneth over with not one, or two, but 6 best friends. Who also all know each other, and all get along fabulously. Our brunches, dinners and nights outs are more imaginatively debauched than Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda’s could ever be.

We celebrate our children and share in each other’s pride. We respect each other’s relationships with our significant others (whether it be husband, boyfriend, or one night stand). We give each other love, support, advice, wine and chocolate. Sometimes in that order, sometimes the chocolate comes out for no reason at all besides the fact that it’s Tuesday. We spoil the pregnant, and we adore the babies. We mourn the losses and we help build each other back up after devastation.

There is no jealousy, and there is no back-biting or fighting. We are all very different women who enjoy the diversity of our group. We are married, single, co-habiting, divorced, with children, and without. And the honesty with which we treat each other always allow us room to talk about what’s bothering us, and we are not afraid to say the things to each other that we all sometimes desperately need to hear. It’s always an eye opener to view yourself, or something you did, through the eyes of someone else. And I for one appreciate that kind of truthfulness. It can help us stop making stupid mistakes all over again, it can help break bad habits and help us see our lives from a different perspective.

So to the wonderfully fabulous Girlz who make every day worth getting up for.. Thank you, I love you. You know who you are…

Things I will teach my son one day!

Things that giving birth to live young has taught me..

Don’t. Use protection. Save yourself the ordeal and go have a holiday instead.

In fact with what private hospitals cost these days you could have an off-your-face-awesome island getaway.

You won’t care that you will be losing control of your bladder and bowels in front of a room full of strangers. They just need to get the puffer fish that’s exploded in your cervix out NOW!

You will become a proud advocate for prescription drugs and will start referring to them, as Mick Jagger once did, as “Mother’s Little Helpers”.

You will be going back to school. Starting all the way back in Grade One, at the age of 30 something. And this time you may fail.. Also you will be surprised at the fact that you ever learnt to read at all in the first place.

You may never sleep again. In your entire life.

You know nothing.

You do have eyes in the back of your head, & supersonic hearing. Your sense of smell may fool you though. Because you will only detect the whiff of a runny guts diaper AFTER you have left the house, locked it behind you and strapped him into the car seat for a 5 hour car trip.

Labour is painful. Contractions hurt. And I can still remember the pain. Don’t let those hippy, drug-free, “no screaming in the theatre” moms fool you.

You will always worry that your child may become the next Adolf Hitler or Jeffrey Dahmer.

No one tells you how much a baby farts. It’s surprisingly quite a lot. And loud. It           may wake you from REM sleep.

Plastic takkies are fucking hot, and burn, after the come out of a 2 hour cycle in the tumble dryer.

Pet fish die at a rate of knots. Puppies last longer and cats will scare the bejesus outta you in the middle of the night.

That you would quite easily do it all again, if it meant that you could have the exact same sprog all over again…

Happy Birthday Wise One.. Thanks for making every day a pleasure and a pain. I love you a thousand, plus 1.

What do these cartoons have in common...

I can relate....

When the Wise One had his tonsils removed last year he recuperated in my room to watch cartoons.
When I came in to surprise him with some ice cream the surprise was on me! He was sitting on the bed, calmly massaging his neck with my large blue glittery Rabbit, named Jack Hammer!!
Trying NOT to panic I calmly asked "What you doing, love?" And he sighed a large sigh filled with years of weariness and said "Aaahh just massaging my neck mom.. It's so sore..".
I slowly put the bowl of ice cream down and faultered over what to say. Remembering Lofty had a muscle massager wand in the lounge I said "Umm, I think that one's batteries are dead. Why dont we try the one in the lounge, and put that one very far away.."
"Okay.." he said, pushed the right (?) button to switch it off and returned it to the drawer.

Am I a bad mother if the first thought that came into my head when I saw him was "Where the fuck is my camera??"

Turning 40, is a walk on the Beach!

In January I threw my boyf and I a party for our birthdays which are a week apart.. Hawaii Style sista! Oh and by the way, he is the one turning 40, NOT me! Not yet..

Help yourself!

What a stunning party, all the hard work and money was well worth it. The Avatar had so much fun and I think he really appreciated the gesture. It warms the heart and does.. Umm.. something to the cockles. I can’t remember coz I don’t have cockles.

Anyone for some Hawaiin koek?

So many people came; we got such lovely gifts (not at all like the vibrating Jack Hammer that I got last year from the girlz!). All Avatar’s mates pitched, which I think is great for us as a couple. We seem to have no trouble integrating our two groups of friends. But I do believe there were some raised eyebrows from his kinfolk when Patty & Jody brought out the snorkel-funnels! Ha ha hahah haa.. So what. They’ll get used to them. I hope.

Only The Journo (my resident bff and cousin extraordinaire) was missing…

Best quote of the weekend?

Top Gear Gal: I like these goggles, when you wear them they make everything look bigger!

Cybafaerie: Maybe you should take them to bed with you...

Top Gear Gal's reason for the goggles...

I am NOT that Woman!

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More like this...

I love reading a certain Men's Mag (no name mentioned). I love their quirky quips, their funny, and extremely odd facts, and their informative and well written articles..

I was sadly disappointed. The women who write for them CANNOT be real!!

The two birds (yes I called them birds, because they certainly aint my type of woman!) make the female of the species to be bar stool sitting, GHD'ed haired (and probably very platinum in shade), cocktail swilling, sequin dress wearing, "whoo hoo" yelling "poppies". Who, at the flick of a wrist, will throw a drink in your face if you haven't propositioned her with the correct pick up line, or if your bank statement doesn't cut it. I am sorry... Who the fuck does that! Not me and not my friends! So please don’t let these women tar us all with the same brush fellas.

For example.. The article was about signs that a women give off if you’re "in there". The author came across as snobby and rude and even made mention that if you don’t approach her correctly you run a very high risk of getting a drink chucked over you, in front of your mates!! How awful, and unmannered!

If you approached me in a bar I would assume its taken a shit load of guts and I would never be so cruel as to slap you down with a rude retort, or chuck a drink in your face. Especially in front of others, or your mates. If I was going to give the fella bat I would just say "Thanks, but not thanks" and move on. If I was taken I would also just say so. Most of us are not into game playing in the relationship arena.

The other Barbie doll gave the relationship advice. Wow. Umm… Ok we don’t all have stripper poles in the bedroom and have sex for weeks. Let’s come down to earth people. Most of us work for a living, a lot have kids. Can’t you write for us too?

It reads like it’s written by a young single male, who is pretending to be a fantasy woman, and giving women advice on what men want. And yet it’s supposed to be a woman giving men advice on their partners…

The mag is target market is men. Men in general. Which means that most of these men will be in relationships and that their ladies will have a sneak peek at the mag too. So let’s ask that they get a real women to write the articles on women and relationships.

And by real woman I mean someone who has maybe not fitted into her sequin dress in years, has quit smoking, has had her heart broken, who wears granny pants to work and g-strings only for her boyfriend (because they are really uncomfortable). Someone who likes to bake and scream obscenities at the rugby on a Saturday. Someone who has lived, yet is still learning. Someone who doesn’t like being in the “all women” generalization. Someone who may not be a porn star in the making, but enjoys sex just as much as the next guy. And someone who does not allow PMS, or acting crazy “just because we are women”, be an excuse for bad behaviour.

Someone like me? Maybe…

The Wise One

Today Kai has choir auditions.. I caught him playing with the T-Rex singing "RA RA RoMlalala"! Dear God please don't let Bad Romance be his audition song!! It wasn’t. Thank the heavens. It was Baa Baa Black Sheep (Really?!?!). And he didn’t crack the nod, but that’s ok. At least he tried. He says “Anika sang very nicely mom” I said “That’s nice of you to say so. How did you sing” “Well obviously not as nicely..” he says. Not to broken up about it. Which is good, had visions of Glee and Kai as John Travolta circa 1977’s Saturday Night Fever. I think all the colouring homework is getting to him though. When I woke him up late last night to go for a wee I caught a mumbling of “Man! Do you expect me to colour my whole body in?" Lekker deur die kak..

I made another Koek...

I made a cake for a friend's friend's Bachelorette Party! And although there were a few bumps and lumps (renamed cellulite and stretch marks..) I think it rocked!

I was a bit generous on the girth (but which girl doesnt like a bit of that), but in defense it was my first attempt at making a Penis Cake.. I am sure it will only get better from here on out. In fact, every cake I may ever bake from here on out may be a penis cake.. So watch out!

Playing the Clitar?

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Oral Fixation

I love sex. I have always wanted to write about it. But I worry that it’s going to sound mills&boonesque, or too clinical. But I want women to realize how absolutely fabulous it can be, and how easy it is to achieve a great sex life.

So where do we begin? In the beginning one would presume. The beginning being the very first sex act you experience.
When I was 15 my 18 year old boyfriends asked me to “speak into the mic”… Yes, I know, not very clever, or romantic, or subtle. It was a joke. But the joke was on me. It worked.
But at least I am not afraid of blowjobs now, my partner adores me for them, and I enjoy the power my knob sucking skills give me… Ssshhhh don’t tell him that!

Ok so let’s talk about oral sex. I know you want to. Get your cup of tea and join me. Feel free to interject and ask questions. If I can make one couple happier in the bedroom then my job is done.
So do you? Do you go down south on your man? And does he return the favour?
Yes? Good!
No? Well lets discuss that.

So many of us are brought up to belive that sex is dirty, and naughty. And we don’t talk about it. And we sure as shit don’t enjoy it!! The favourite response I get from this type of girl is “No sis man! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth afterwards?”
Well no, not directly afterwards, it would beg the question as to why my mother is in my bedroom to begin with. But there is nothing that a bit of soap can’t fix. In fact my mother considers oral sex to be when you shout “Screw You!” at your sp

ouse from the bedroom.
But do you want to know a secret? Most people do do it! And they shake your hand after having a wank too. And until you actually try it, you can’t begin to imagine how pleasurable it really is. So put your prejudices aside and give it a go. Trust me, your man won’t know what hit him and you will be rewarded with love and compliments into eternity. And in some cases flowers and jewelry. As for you.. Well let’s just say a good cunning-linguist can make your toes curl, your heart skip a beat and put a smile on your face for years to come.

So you want to give it a bash? Great stuff, I am so happy to hear that.
Let’s start with the basics. If you’re a bit afraid of jumping right in there whilst he’s driving the N3 home (which by the way is great fun!), and you need a bit of mental and physical preparation, try these simple starter points.

1 Hygiene is our friend:

Make sure all the bits and bobs are sparkly and smelling (note I said smelling) of soap. If you tasting it you being paranoid!

2 Get a haircut if you want:

Some ladies like to trim the hedges, mow the lawn, polish the stoep. It’s entirely up to you. Should you prefer it naturally that’s fine. Some prefer a timid bikini wax. And some, like me, prefer the full nude Monty, called a Hollywood. And in between

the timid and the Monty you get the Brazilian, the best of both. Its also ok for men to take a trimmer to his privates too. In fact many men are doing it these days. It looks neater and feels great! Also the Urban Legend amongst the boys is that it makes one’s member appear larger. I said appear, I am not making any promises ladies. A nice way to ease into things is to maybe spend an evening giving each other down yonder haircuts. That way you can both familiarize yourself with the relevant anatomy, as well as learn to let the other person be down there for an extended period. The longer the better girls! My standard is “Can you breathe through your ears yet? No? Ok, keep going!”

3 Hide the weapons:

No teeth please. Be gentle. At first. If you can see that your partner is enjoying your ministrations, then you can apply firmer pressure, use more tongue, insert a finger etc etc. Oh, I would hold off inserting any fingers into your man until he says it’s ok.

4 Listen…..

Really listen to your partner while you down there. It might be quiet at first. But let them get used to the sensations. You will soon hear what they want you to know through their breathing, or moaning (and I mean the “Oohh yes baby” kind, not the “I couldn’t find a parking at Checkers today!” kind), or if they are feeling confident, their instructions and guidance. This is definitely what you want. Soon you will be the master of The Vagina / The Penis, and you can turn your partner on just by licking your lips!

5 ENJOY IT!

Oral Sex is a great part of foreplay, enjoy it. It prolongs the act and helps create & nurture that bond between you and your partner. It’s also a wonderful way to keep your partner satisfied if you don’t feel like having penetrative sex, or you cant for those few days of the month, or if you want to surprise them at your Nana’s 80th birthday party.

Don’t refuse your partner something so enjoyable just because you have never done it before. Especially if they have always enjoyed it, and now you are saying no. It could become an issue when it needn’t be. Trying new things, opening yourself up to new experiences is what enjoying life is all about. And you never know what you will enjoy if you don’t let your man press some new buttons on you too.

So go ahead. Shock the crap outta him. Give him a blowjob to end all blowjobs! And remember....

Finance for Dummies

When my Bank Manager sees me walk into the bank he starts unbuckling his pants. I used to think it was because I offered him blow jobs to increase my credit limit. Truth was he wanted to belt me for not paying on time.

I am not finance savvy. I wish I was. But wishing is like well, not going to get you anywhere. You were either taught from a young age how to budget, save and be financially fiscal (I am not really sure if that is the correct use of the word, but it sounds good there, so I am leaving in). Or like me, you have a mother who shops as an Olympic sport and has more cards than a Cancer patient on his way out!

So here are a few “Financial Tips” I have learned during my long time on this earth.

1 Store Cards / Credit Cards

My mother is a shopping legend, and can juggle accounts like a Boswell Wilkie pro. Then with the same breathe she will tell us girls “You gotta Budget! You gotta work out how much you ant to spend each week and stick to it!”

Every night she will come home with a parcel in fact if the door opens and we don’t hear the rustle of plastic we think it’s a burglar and pull out the shotgun.

But you want to know her secret.. My mother is the shop manager of a major retail store. The bitch knows what she is talking about. She knows! This time mother is right. And I hate that she is right, but its best to listen this time (but only this time). But it doesn't make for the fact that growing up all I have seen is her spend money, without knowing what goes on behind the scenes. So I have had unfortunate run-ins with debt collection agencies, which make ripping my nails out with pliers seem like more fun.

So ladies, if you want to stay on the better side of the credit act, and keep those Jimmy Choos from auction then follow these simple rules:

● Pay cash for everything. That’s it. Simple huh?

Ok, so it’s impossible to throw hard money on the counter for every purchase so try and ensure you only have the very necessary cards, and that you pay them diligently every month before the 7^th. Don’t ever give them a reason to hand you over to the Credit Monster who can ruin your life forever, well for 5 years at the very least.

2 Vehicle Maintenance

Then we get my car… The Black Hole for cash! If you don’t have a Maintenance Plan on your vehicle make sure that you put a little something away on a monthly basis for those unforeseen emergencies. Like a blown engine for instance which will set you back a cool R4000. And then at the same time your exhaust will develop a hole and your universal joints will decide not to universal anymore. Because it happens in threes hey? That’s what They say. I wish They would shut the fuck up and piss off.

3 Interest Rates

Ok, as I said I am completely un-savvy when it comes to economics, accounting financial reports and ooohh aaahhh (yawning)…. Sorry excuse me I almost fell asleep there! Where was I? Oh ja, interest rates. My boyfriend (he’s very, very financially smart) told me that you pay off your debt with the highest interest rates first. I don’t know why that stuck in my head, but it did, so it must be important. It means that in the long run you end up paying less. Think about it, it does make sense. Because the longer you let debt lie and the higher the interest rate is the more you end up paying. So pay the one with the higher interest rate quicker. Ok now my brain hurts.

4 End of the Year

It comes around every year, at the same time and yet we’re never prepared for it. Christmas. That bastard fat man in the red suit who makes us spend a fortune on food, alcohol and ungrateful family. By January we’re so broke we can’t even pay attention. So try putting a little away every month so it’s not such a 9/11 on your bank balance when the time comes!

So my new plan of action, to help me become more in touch with my money side, is the following:

1 I am going to draw up a Budget and stick to it strictly!

2 I am going to keep a Spending Journal to see where I fall down when it come to unnecessary purchases! (I think I know…)

3 I am going to pay cash for things as far as I can to save me in interest rates. (I sound so grown up when I say interest rates.. INTEREST RATES.)

4 I will not covet my girlfriend’s new shoes! I will not go buy a better pair..

So Girls, don’t blow your budget, or the Bank Manager!