Things that giving birth to live young has taught me..
Don’t. Use protection. Save yourself the ordeal and go have a holiday instead.
In fact with what private hospitals cost these days you could have an off-your-face-awesome island getaway.
You won’t care that you will be losing control of your bladder and bowels in front of a room full of strangers. They just need to get the puffer fish that’s exploded in your cervix out NOW!
You will become a proud advocate for prescription drugs and will start referring to them, as Mick Jagger once did, as “Mother’s Little Helpers”.
You will be going back to school. Starting all the way back in Grade One, at the age of 30 something. And this time you may fail.. Also you will be surprised at the fact that you ever learnt to read at all in the first place.
You may never sleep again. In your entire life.
You know nothing.
You do have eyes in the back of your head, & supersonic hearing. Your sense of smell may fool you though. Because you will only detect the whiff of a runny guts diaper AFTER you have left the house, locked it behind you and strapped him into the car seat for a 5 hour car trip.
Labour is painful. Contractions hurt. And I can still remember the pain. Don’t let those hippy, drug-free, “no screaming in the theatre” moms fool you.
You will always worry that your child may become the next Adolf Hitler or Jeffrey Dahmer.
No one tells you how much a baby farts. It’s surprisingly quite a lot. And loud. It may wake you from REM sleep.
Plastic takkies are fucking hot, and burn, after the come out of a 2 hour cycle in the tumble dryer.
Pet fish die at a rate of knots. Puppies last longer and cats will scare the bejesus outta you in the middle of the night.
That you would quite easily do it all again, if it meant that you could have the exact same sprog all over again…
Happy Birthday Wise One.. Thanks for making every day a pleasure and a pain. I love you a thousand, plus 1.
