Man Candy! Yum, yum, yuummmm..

I have always been a sucker for the guy with the hair a little longer (although NO mullets please!), the jeans a little torn and the fuck me boots a little scuffed. If he was on a motorbike, or sitting on the beach with a guitar I was probably already wet and approaching him with a smile..

So it will come as no surprise to you to see which men on the silver-screen make me go weak at the knees. It wasn’t the ones that brought the flowers, the jocks or the high flying corporates with money. It was the surfer dudes and the biker boys, the guys with swords and the men on horseback. Strong, swashbuckling, masculine men, from a time when men where men and women were grateful (and not trying to emasculate them by making them peel eggs).

Maybe we can blame Magnum PI, Knight Rider, Airwolf and MacGyver. All them “I travel alone” types who left women in their beds with messy hair and lipstick smeared. No sign of commitment on the horizon.

Moving into my teens the pretty boys came into play and I learnt all about “The Game”. We want them to stay, we want love (yes, at 15 I want full blown hot sex love!), we want commitment, the forever and ever kind and we will just die if we don’t get it.. So we go phwooaarr over the young bucks they feed us in Beverly Hills 90210, 21 Jump Street, New Kids on the Block..

But now.. I am older, I am wiser and I a most importantly single. Which puts me into a completely different perve catergory all together. I know the tricks, I know the rules to the game (even the ones that have changed, plus I don’t wanna play anymore in any case). Now I can be the dirty girl. I can say as I please, pinch, poke and harangue to my hearts content. The stiletto is on the other foot baby! Now the men that make me go phwoarr do it for ALL sorts of reasons and if I could roll these characteristics into one I still wouldn’t have the perfect man, so why bother. All in know is that he’s gonna fucking beautiful to look at, a whole lot of fun for a night out, the best lay I’ve ever had but I still get to sleep like a starfish across MY bed and snore to my hearts content! And I don’t have to pick up his underpants off my bathroom floor in the morning..

Ok so we’ve got a list of men that is obscenely long so I am going to have to cut out Vampires and Werewolves (you know who you are). And leave the young men alone for fear of the Peadophile Police knocking on my door later this evening (I think the werewolf may fall into this category).. I eventually have to give you my top 5 ultimate Panty Droppers of 2010, although it takes nothing away from the rest of you my darlings, my works of art…

Number One: Ryan Reynolds

Ok wait I have to take a break. Just looking at his picture dries my throat and loosens the cotton threads in my panties! I don’t need to say any more.. Just LOOK at him!! PHHWWOAARRR!!
For more, watch The Proposal, Blade Trinity, X-Men (which also has another favourite Hugh Jackman). Not only is he all muscle and yum, the boy is funny. And as I always say.. If you can make me laugh, you can probably take me home.

Number Two: Matthew McConnaughey

The southern gentleman whose voice makes my heart beat faster, Matthew McConnaughey, who’s lovely curls and tight abs make me want to do delicious things to him in his caravan on the beach. It’s definitely the accent and the way he say “Ladies..”

Number Three: Taye Diggs

He’s strong, and he’s a doctor, and he’s sweet and he gets so overlooked in Private Practice!
This man deserves some between-the-sheet time! That smile is sure to twist any women right around his little finger..

Number Four: Hugh Jackman (AKA Wolverine)

I don’t even know if you need me to say anymore. Do you? Hot shit on screen, fighting for the love of his life, and in real life the quintessential family man who dotes on his wife and children. Personally, in my fantasy, he comes to bed with those talons on!

Number Five: Patrick Dempsey

McDreamy, McSteamy, don’t care, come & see me! Oh how I wish you were my doctor and no I wouldn’t sue you. Lovely doc has come a long way since delivering pizza’s and servicing middle aged ladies in Loverboy! I hope when he’s broke one day he will go back to delivering pizzas and servicing old ladies, Patty I will be waiting.

Piece of Fluff: David “Don’t Speak” Beckham.

Not the smartest of bedfellows David would be a Duct Tape Fuck. He just must NOT talk!
So pretty, so stylish, so in touch with his feminine side. Word of advice, don’t put a mirror in the room whilst you are busy getting busy. His image of himself will be stiff competition for you..

Special mention has to go to chaps like Gerard Butler. Who can resist Jerry’s accent in PS I love you. He made me want to move to Ireland, find a bangle wearing, leather clad, guitar toting irish lad and fuck his brains out. Then make him sing me to sleep… Lovely Jerry..

And we cant forget the good ol’ faithfuls like George Clooney and of course the original pretty boy Mr Angelina Jolie. Although Sexy Brad has really lost some of his appeal since he traded his testicles for a château in France, 500 children and an anorexic wife. Go back to Jen Brad, and get some of your diginity and fans back.

And there are so many others, and so many more coming onto the scene every day. I literally can’t keep up. So I just keep watching, keep perving drooling admiring and keep wet wipes in my handbag!

A Letter to my 17 year old self...

Dear Chicka...

Put that ham sandwich & chocolate milk down and listen carefully girl.. I only have a very small window to give you the very best insight into what is going to be the best advice you’ve ever received. It’s gonna be fast & it’s gonna be short, so listen up & pay attention. You might wanna take notes?

Stay away from the seriousness of relationships. You will only meet the one you will love when you are much much older, like in your 30’s (halfway dead). Treat anything (i.e. men) until then as a learning curve and a have fun girl! Don’t waste your tears, your heart and a very beautiful vagina on ungrateful and undeserving boys. Oh, and don’t have sex on the 31st of March. You’re not ready.

Throw that sandwich away and go for a walk. Learn to LOVE exercise. I know you hate it; I know you don’t want to. But trust me, it’s for the best. Eat more green stuff (note I said eat it, not smoke it hey!). And remember to love yourself no matter what in any case.

Education, education, education! I can’t stress this enough. Stick with your original plan!!! Go to Varsity, do the studies. It will change your life. Don’t give up your dreams for anyone, and don’t put them off. Time has a funny way of taking them away from you in the end as circumstances change.

Then a few odds & ends include; every action has a consequence. Respect your elders. Listen to the stories your Granny tells, she has a saucy past that begs to be heard. Get to know your parents; we never know how long we have them for. Always wear sunblock.
Other than that dance, sing, love, smile, laugh, kiss, love, travel and just be…

Love you so much!

The Pot calling the Kettle FAT!

The proper definition of the word stereotype (as per some online dictionary thing) is:
A widely held, but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person, or thing.

To me, in this regard, it’s an unfair and biased lone assumption based on a person’s physical appearance. And what do the public at large hold as stereotypical ideas of a larger person? I was shocked to my kitten heels to discover..

I did some research on the subject I will admit, before blindly starting to lay into Innocents out there. But from what I read I don’t feel my “blind laying into” is far off from being completely justified.

Opinions were that we are lazy, stupid (really now??), unhygienic, smelly (oh come on!), we make crap employees (must be where the lazy and stupid comes into play), we don’t stop eating, we don’t exercise, oh and my favourite is either we don’t have sex, or we prefer to have dirrty hide-in-the-back-of-the-cupboard-porn sex!

So I decided that I had better get some other opinions before I lost my cool and had to get horribly intimate with a bottle of Vodka.
I sent out an email to friends and family asking them what they thought when they say large people in the street, or what they think when they meet someone for the first time and it’s not at all what they expected. I asked if they had dated a larger person, if they would avoid making friends with a larger person and if they had family, or were themselves judged by size-ist arseholes. Ok I didn’t use the words “size-ist arseholes” but I was tempted to!

The opinions I got back were fairly heartwarming.. It looks like the ark-aic thinking may slowly be moving away from “lazy & stupid” to “everybody deserves a chance”. Which I think is great.

But before we get into that I need to dispel some of these ridiculous labels we have been given and unfortunately are not as fashionable as a Guess jean or a Jimmy Choo!

Lazy: I think for this label it’s 6 of one and half a chicken of the other. Even I reckon some larger lasses are lazy. But I know many plus sizes, myself included, who run around all day, after husbands, kids, book club, gym (yes we DO go to gym you idiots!) and then still get home to cook, and semi tidy the house (who can really do a full tidy at night?). Then we still have to fit in the girlfriends, the wine nights and the shopping trips. Yes, exactly like you skinny chicks! Weird huh poppet?

Stupid: Ok, so how can you tell someone is stupid just by looking at them? And to make that assumption from their size is just plain fucking ridiculous! I would suggest you go back to High School and retake Logic 101. In fact most CEO’s and Manager’s tend to be heavier because they work longer hours and eat on the run or at their desks. And do you think these CEO’s and Manager’s used to be illiterates who suddenly got handed a plum job just because? No.. He had to study, at a University or College (that’s a BIG school for very smart people) and he had to claw his way into the workplace and gain experience by working very hard (once again, not being lazy). So this also blows the “Make crap employees” label out the water. I think most of us know that if our size restricts us from doing deep sea diving, or cave exploring we wont be going into those career paths. But if we really want to work, finding a desk job wont be too strenuous on our ankles. And as for the rest of us plebs. Well we can’t count on our legs to Cairo figures, blonde swinging manes of silk and big blue doe eyes to get us our salaries. So we have to be smart, savvy and funny to get anywhere in this pretentious, vain and self important world we live in! PS: Skinny people can be bladdy stupid too. Look at Paris Hilton.

Unhygienic: Ok I don’t know how we get here either.. I think smelly should fall into this category too. Why would a larger person smell any more unpleasant than a smaller person? All sizes, ages, or sexes can have body odour problems.
I think this is a psychological tag. I think because some people are physically revolted by fat people they assume they must smell? I really don’t know..
Do they assume we bathe any less than skinnier folk? Come on people, as kids we are either taught to clean or not to clean. Whether we pick up weight between now and then is not going to make a difference as to what was ground into us mentally as children. This too can fall under the “Anyone can be Stupid” category!

Uncontrollable appetite: So you assume that I cannot stop my hand from gravitating towards my mouth. Even if there is nothing in it but fresh air..
This swings both ways baby. I have seen a skinny girl devour a hamburger in two bites, then still cry because she never got a side order of chips with it! And I know my curvy friends who are too afraid to eat in public, or even buy food in front of other people, because they are judged by it. They women around them are thinking “My God woman, control yourself, do you really need that Coke, double cheese and large chips?” “Well fuck yes I do! So leave me the hell alone!!” is what I say back in my mind! But we are harder on ourselves than anybody else can be on us. So don’t judge, just take your salad and go sit by yourself at the back of the restaurant.
Oh and please remember that not ALL the food in our trollies is just for us. Because we are fat does not mean we don’t have a husband who likes chocolate, kids who “die” without Tropika and a late night sex fetish for strawberries. We shop for the entire house, just like you do. We don’t make our partners go and do the rest of the households shopping on their own, while we sit at home and scoff the Niknaks on the sofa. So stop looking into our trollies to see what “make her fat”, and keep your poky nose in your own vegan organic wheat free basket!

Sex deviants: Ha hahahah aa, as much as this is true in my case I can assure you it’s not in many other boudoirs. In fact most plus size ladies shy away from sex, or do it under duress and try to get it over with as soon as possible. Getting over the insecurities of a flabby tummy, orange peel thighs and batwing arms is very hard under harsh lighting. And knowing men they would want to land a boeing in the bedroom with the amount of candlelight they prefer during a evening of fun & fantasy..
Those unmentionable movies they make of us are derogatory and disgusting and I know not of one self-respecting lady who thinks its sexy, or would buy one. But it doesn’t mean that we don’t have sex, and it doesn’t mean we don’t like it just like anybody else. We just have to work harder before hand (mantra’s, lingerie, stilettos and soft lighting) to get into the groove so as not to allow our insecurities to mar the special occasion. Nothing is more sexy that confidence, no matter your size. And if you genuinely enjoy what you are experiencing your partner will enjoy it even more too.
The one sad part of being large and “in love” is that some bigger girls will let themselves be used, they will do anything and be with many partners to find happiness (another scary fact shared with me by a male friend). Don’t do it girls! We all deserve love in the best way possible..

Ok so I think I got that all off my DD chest. And with regards to my gathered opinions.. As I said they surprised me. Most were of the opinion that they wouldn’t shy away from getting to know larger person just because of their size, although I didn’t have one guy admit to wanting to date one! Hhmmmm must investigate that one further. They were of the opinion that their assumption of a person was based on the fact of whether a person was rude or nice to them. Which I think is pretty noble..

Then I got a real corker from Alpha Male, and I quote “Only time I like to avoid being near them is in an aeroplane or a taxi, luckily I don't use the taxi service in SA.”
Alpha Male also said sometime larger lasses are either too timid, or then too loud (like me, his nickname for me is Foghorn..)
My sweet dutch chick sent back “Big people, always have a good heart, friendly en min plooie! Ek love big mense.”
Couzin V gets judged very unfairly “if someone asks me where do I work and I say KFC Head Office I often see them thinking no wonder she is so fat she probably eats KFC everyday (which I don’t) even the sister at the Dr’s rooms said that!” Then one of her male friends said the one line we all HATE to hear.. “You’d be a lot prettier if you lost weight”. Well fuck you too! Didn’t you learn from Thumper that if you can’t say something nice, just shut the fuck up!
My Aussie Mate had a valid point “I think a lot of how we react to larger people has to do with our upbringing - if your parents were always rude to or when talking about fat people then that's probably how you'll respond to them. A lot of our thought processes are established in early childhood”.
Then my ultimate is the comment that came from a very old childhood friend “I am fat, so is my wife. My kids are skinny (24, 22, 20), so we have the whole spectrum in the house. I find that plumper women are generally more beautiful than the thin ones; they also have much nicer boobs! Because most plus size people think that they are not as attractive as thin people, they generally have a much nicer personality, and aren't all stuck up about their weight, what to eat, what not to, do I look fat in this, etc etc etc... and all that shit!”

So I think the Golden Rule is: Throw those old fashioned, trailer trash induced stereotypes OUT the window of that convertible girlfriend! Treat people, ALL PEOPLE, big, small, tall, short, smart, thick and even Paris Hilton with the respect they deserve until they prove themselves wrong (which in Paris’s case won’t be very long).
A wise man once said “Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you”. I think it was Keith Richards? Go for it, be nice, stop judging and enjoy life.

My Family, and Other ANIMALS!

Nuff said I think.

I have had a weekend from hell avoiding family members from out of town. Scheduling visits to coincidentally coincide with their trip to town is bladdy hard work you know!

The wedding is over (congratulations by the way, it was lovely), they are all gone now and I have my dorp back!

My Son, The Wise One

So besides being an avid Anti-Gym advocate (I am convinced it will kill you) I am also a very nice, charming and funny person actually.. My previous rant was due to an unscheduled staircase climb, which I didn't get a chance to properly mentally prepare myself for, you see.

OK so I am a nice person (Smile), I work (hard), I am a single mom (to above mentioned wise-ass, I mean wise one) and I enjoy things that make me laugh, usually the girlfriends, things that make me drunk, preferably wine, and pretty little things like shoes.

My son is six, going on 60. He tells me what to do more than I do him.. But now I have the upper hand. This weekend, he lost both his upper incisors! Yes both. And yes, I do tease the fuck out of him.. I make him say words that make him lisp, and I make him kiss me lots on the cheek coz now it sounds funny. I am having so much fun. Do you think I am scarring him? Don't care, it's my job. My mother scarred me, it's what we do.

You wanna see what a wise ass he is..

Scene 1: Kai’s is sick, he has a sore throat and is lying in my bed, watching cartoons wrapped in my duvet, propped by 500 pillows.
I am taking his temperature with the ear gun temp thing. I switch it on, stick it in his ear and wait for the beep. Kai is quiet and watching he gun thing intently, then watching me watch it. Then he suddenly pipes up “So what’s the verdict Mom? Am I cold blooded?”
“No my son.. You just watch too much Animal Planet!”

Scene 2: Few weeks later Kai & I snuggling on the couch, watching TV, it’s almost his bedtime.
I tell him it’s getting late and that he must start getting ideas about bed.
Trying to distract me he says he starts a discussion about the solar system (too much Discovery). He says he prefers daytime, I say I prefer the night. He says he prefers the sun, I say I prefer the dark. He looks at me and says “You’re a vampire aren’t you?”.

But fuck I love this kid! He obviously takes after me!!

Unfit Bitch!

Holy crap I am unfit! You’d think with all the sex I have been having that I could run Comrades by now? I hate exercise.. I really hate it. And I don’t mean the “Ag I just won’t go to gym today” kind of hate. I mean the “Lets pull a 9/11 and bring those fuckers down!!” kinda hate.

I hate sweating. Hate it, if I could have winter all year round I would be a happy bitch!

I hate tight gym pants. No one, yes no one, not even you Barbie, looks good in them. Barry Hilton calls them Skinner broekies. You can see the lips moving but you can’t hear a sound.

I hate having to wear a huge t-shirt to cover my arse! Nuff said!

I hate having my feet bound in ugly trainers (tekkies for the dutch). When you take your socks off later your feet are so white and puffy from all the sweat you could lose a layer of skin if you not careful, and you wring your socks out before you wash them.

I hate skinny trainers saying “Come on, you can do it!” I feel like giving her a twenty and making her run to the corner store for a slab of Lindt.

I hate the doof doof doof music that they don’t even play in the clubs. Where do they find it? www.lekajimtjoons.pumpbru

That said, it’s no surprise I look like I do. But fuck it.. I just cant!

Fat-shionista!

I am loving Beth Ditto! Not only because she is plus sized hard core rock bitch! But because she has balls the size of church bells, and she is not ashamed of her body.




In a world that is dominated by praying mantis type models and lollipop girls it is amazingly refreshing to finally have a larger than life role model.



And I really want her clothes.. She always looks fun, funky and yet (in most cases) feminine.. Why cant we get stuff like this in SA. Instead of the hideous ou vrou bloesies they sell at Edgars? Not all fat people bake koeksusters en beskuit you know!

Happy is a Myth!

I scoffed at them.. The little girls in their pigtails, playing “Wedding Wedding” with Ken & Barbie. Then I would jumb back on my Bmx and take off for the nearest hill. Didn’t they know? Ken would either a) cheat b) get fat and sit on the couch drinking beer in front of the rugby c) become a premature ejaculator (then blame her) d) leave or e) all of the above. The only man a girl can trust is her daddy. And even that is a 50/50 bargain on a good day in some households.

And yet there I was signing the certificate that gave away my name and legally bound me to another human being. WTF was I thinking?!?
It’s not like I was young, and didn’t know better. But I was pregnant and thinking I was doing the right thing… And I did love him, hey? I did love him. I must have.

Fast Forward 6 years and here I sit banging away at a keyboard (when I should be banging away at someone else!), complaining about men and life and the lack of Baby’s Changing Rooms in Victoria’s Secret shops.

So my son is 6 and on his way to becoming the man I would want my daughter to marry (ladies, you can write and thank me later). My ex sits in Australia, which is great for him NOT having visitation rights whenever he wants! And I get to explore the wide blue yonder again. So, where does one start all over again? Times have changed, people don’t just meet through Kerk anymore. Its now all Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Blogs and Internet dating. And trying to wade through all the cyberspace bullshit that permeates the airwaves (see I am still and 80’s child at heart) is like trying to eat spaghetti with chopsticks!

But one is never to old to learn, and learn I shall!

Can I? Question is, should I? Should I be adding another blog to the many hundreds, thousands, probably millions already out there? Should I be voicing another lone opinion about the price of eggs, and will anyone really be listening..

Who cares! I will and thou shalt! Blogging is next to Godliness! Man what power. That is, is anyone is actually reading. And if I collect any followers...