End of a Chapter

I am angry. And bitter. And just a little bit jaded all over again. This time I thought it was real, and honest and secure. I felt safe. I felt loved. And I, for the first time, felt sexy and wanted. So what went wrong? I don’t fucking know. And I want to instinctively blame myself as we women are wont to do. But, this time, it was NOT my fault. And that just make me a little bit angrier because the final outcome of how this relationship ended was entirely out of my control.

I had it good this time round. It was a mature, healthy, loving relationship. I had never felt so safe and adored. Within the relationship itself I was great. Never been so giving, accommodating, supportive, passionate and in love. So sue me for thinking this was would stand the test of time.

But you see… No matter how ‘good” we are in a relationship, or how good we think the relationship is, anything can go wrong at any time. Unfortunately we can’t change how people feel, or how circumstances change. Sometime things happen that are just beyond our control and no matter how much we try to fix it, we can’t. And we have to accept this. But for a control freak like me, who likes to have most things as close to perfect as possible this is a bitter pill to swallow.

I have been working very hard at letting go, moving on, giving it over to God even. Day dreaming of that phone call where he says “Oh my god I have been such a horse’s ass! You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me! Come back to me now, or I will die!” But chicka, it aint happening. When my heart starts playing these fucked up games with my brain, my brain luckily kicks in and says “Wake UP dumbass!! You’re an intelligent, strong, funny as hell (she says that because she knows I like it), independent woman! This was not your fault! It’s the end of a chapter, not the end of the world, pick up a new book and carry on!” And then I am ok for a while again… I love my brain, she is one smart cookie.

So even though at this stage my brain is winning the fight against heartbreak, my heart, she is still broken. She is sad, and disappointed and confused. And I don’t know how to make her feel better. She misses his company, she misses being a couple, she misses her best friend… and while Brain tries to keep reminding her that there could be someone else out there, and that she can do things she couldn’t do before. Heart will whisper “But I loved him, I wanted him..” and she will jump at the sound of a BB message, and her pulse will rate whenever the phone rings.

Until enough time has passed. Then we can smile when we see him in the street because it is good to see him, and it doesn’t hurt any more. What happened has happened for a reason. People will come and go, they will teach you things, they might even make you better people. Like he did for me. But it doesn’t mean that they are here to stay, and it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. It just means we have to learn from these comets, take what we can from the situation, learn our lessons and move on as savvier people.

So to the Avatar I must say.. Thank you for loving me the way you did, for the amount of time you could. You taught me that I can have a healthy and loving relationship, and things can still end, but it’s not always my fault (like I always believed in the past). You taught me empathy, patience and what the real meaning of strong was. I will never meet anyone like you again, and it was a joy to have shared in your miraculous life. Oh and shot for that teaching me all those tricks with the you-know-whats in the you-know-where.. You rocked at that and I will be forever grateful to have had it ssoo good for ssoo long! Sob…

Aaaahhh sweet!

How much does my son, the Wise Ass, love me? Apparently more that the entire uni-wors!

In Honour of Women's Day..

My life would be dead and incomplete without my circle of strength and trust; my girlfriends. I am lucky to have strong, loyal and honest woman in my life who ground me, make me laugh; help dry my tears and who give the most invaluable advice. I would be nothing without them.

Most women are blessed to have one or two of these wonderful friendships in their lifetime. My cup runneth over with not one, or two, but 6 best friends. Who also all know each other, and all get along fabulously. Our brunches, dinners and nights outs are more imaginatively debauched than Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda’s could ever be.

We celebrate our children and share in each other’s pride. We respect each other’s relationships with our significant others (whether it be husband, boyfriend, or one night stand). We give each other love, support, advice, wine and chocolate. Sometimes in that order, sometimes the chocolate comes out for no reason at all besides the fact that it’s Tuesday. We spoil the pregnant, and we adore the babies. We mourn the losses and we help build each other back up after devastation.

There is no jealousy, and there is no back-biting or fighting. We are all very different women who enjoy the diversity of our group. We are married, single, co-habiting, divorced, with children, and without. And the honesty with which we treat each other always allow us room to talk about what’s bothering us, and we are not afraid to say the things to each other that we all sometimes desperately need to hear. It’s always an eye opener to view yourself, or something you did, through the eyes of someone else. And I for one appreciate that kind of truthfulness. It can help us stop making stupid mistakes all over again, it can help break bad habits and help us see our lives from a different perspective.

So to the wonderfully fabulous Girlz who make every day worth getting up for.. Thank you, I love you. You know who you are…

Things I will teach my son one day!

Things that giving birth to live young has taught me..

Don’t. Use protection. Save yourself the ordeal and go have a holiday instead.

In fact with what private hospitals cost these days you could have an off-your-face-awesome island getaway.

You won’t care that you will be losing control of your bladder and bowels in front of a room full of strangers. They just need to get the puffer fish that’s exploded in your cervix out NOW!

You will become a proud advocate for prescription drugs and will start referring to them, as Mick Jagger once did, as “Mother’s Little Helpers”.

You will be going back to school. Starting all the way back in Grade One, at the age of 30 something. And this time you may fail.. Also you will be surprised at the fact that you ever learnt to read at all in the first place.

You may never sleep again. In your entire life.

You know nothing.

You do have eyes in the back of your head, & supersonic hearing. Your sense of smell may fool you though. Because you will only detect the whiff of a runny guts diaper AFTER you have left the house, locked it behind you and strapped him into the car seat for a 5 hour car trip.

Labour is painful. Contractions hurt. And I can still remember the pain. Don’t let those hippy, drug-free, “no screaming in the theatre” moms fool you.

You will always worry that your child may become the next Adolf Hitler or Jeffrey Dahmer.

No one tells you how much a baby farts. It’s surprisingly quite a lot. And loud. It           may wake you from REM sleep.

Plastic takkies are fucking hot, and burn, after the come out of a 2 hour cycle in the tumble dryer.

Pet fish die at a rate of knots. Puppies last longer and cats will scare the bejesus outta you in the middle of the night.

That you would quite easily do it all again, if it meant that you could have the exact same sprog all over again…

Happy Birthday Wise One.. Thanks for making every day a pleasure and a pain. I love you a thousand, plus 1.

What do these cartoons have in common...

I can relate....

When the Wise One had his tonsils removed last year he recuperated in my room to watch cartoons.
When I came in to surprise him with some ice cream the surprise was on me! He was sitting on the bed, calmly massaging his neck with my large blue glittery Rabbit, named Jack Hammer!!
Trying NOT to panic I calmly asked "What you doing, love?" And he sighed a large sigh filled with years of weariness and said "Aaahh just massaging my neck mom.. It's so sore..".
I slowly put the bowl of ice cream down and faultered over what to say. Remembering Lofty had a muscle massager wand in the lounge I said "Umm, I think that one's batteries are dead. Why dont we try the one in the lounge, and put that one very far away.."
"Okay.." he said, pushed the right (?) button to switch it off and returned it to the drawer.

Am I a bad mother if the first thought that came into my head when I saw him was "Where the fuck is my camera??"

Turning 40, is a walk on the Beach!

In January I threw my boyf and I a party for our birthdays which are a week apart.. Hawaii Style sista! Oh and by the way, he is the one turning 40, NOT me! Not yet..

Help yourself!

What a stunning party, all the hard work and money was well worth it. The Avatar had so much fun and I think he really appreciated the gesture. It warms the heart and does.. Umm.. something to the cockles. I can’t remember coz I don’t have cockles.

Anyone for some Hawaiin koek?

So many people came; we got such lovely gifts (not at all like the vibrating Jack Hammer that I got last year from the girlz!). All Avatar’s mates pitched, which I think is great for us as a couple. We seem to have no trouble integrating our two groups of friends. But I do believe there were some raised eyebrows from his kinfolk when Patty & Jody brought out the snorkel-funnels! Ha ha hahah haa.. So what. They’ll get used to them. I hope.

Only The Journo (my resident bff and cousin extraordinaire) was missing…

Best quote of the weekend?

Top Gear Gal: I like these goggles, when you wear them they make everything look bigger!

Cybafaerie: Maybe you should take them to bed with you...

Top Gear Gal's reason for the goggles...

I am NOT that Woman!

Like this? Nooo...

More like this...

I love reading a certain Men's Mag (no name mentioned). I love their quirky quips, their funny, and extremely odd facts, and their informative and well written articles..

I was sadly disappointed. The women who write for them CANNOT be real!!

The two birds (yes I called them birds, because they certainly aint my type of woman!) make the female of the species to be bar stool sitting, GHD'ed haired (and probably very platinum in shade), cocktail swilling, sequin dress wearing, "whoo hoo" yelling "poppies". Who, at the flick of a wrist, will throw a drink in your face if you haven't propositioned her with the correct pick up line, or if your bank statement doesn't cut it. I am sorry... Who the fuck does that! Not me and not my friends! So please don’t let these women tar us all with the same brush fellas.

For example.. The article was about signs that a women give off if you’re "in there". The author came across as snobby and rude and even made mention that if you don’t approach her correctly you run a very high risk of getting a drink chucked over you, in front of your mates!! How awful, and unmannered!

If you approached me in a bar I would assume its taken a shit load of guts and I would never be so cruel as to slap you down with a rude retort, or chuck a drink in your face. Especially in front of others, or your mates. If I was going to give the fella bat I would just say "Thanks, but not thanks" and move on. If I was taken I would also just say so. Most of us are not into game playing in the relationship arena.

The other Barbie doll gave the relationship advice. Wow. Umm… Ok we don’t all have stripper poles in the bedroom and have sex for weeks. Let’s come down to earth people. Most of us work for a living, a lot have kids. Can’t you write for us too?

It reads like it’s written by a young single male, who is pretending to be a fantasy woman, and giving women advice on what men want. And yet it’s supposed to be a woman giving men advice on their partners…

The mag is target market is men. Men in general. Which means that most of these men will be in relationships and that their ladies will have a sneak peek at the mag too. So let’s ask that they get a real women to write the articles on women and relationships.

And by real woman I mean someone who has maybe not fitted into her sequin dress in years, has quit smoking, has had her heart broken, who wears granny pants to work and g-strings only for her boyfriend (because they are really uncomfortable). Someone who likes to bake and scream obscenities at the rugby on a Saturday. Someone who has lived, yet is still learning. Someone who doesn’t like being in the “all women” generalization. Someone who may not be a porn star in the making, but enjoys sex just as much as the next guy. And someone who does not allow PMS, or acting crazy “just because we are women”, be an excuse for bad behaviour.

Someone like me? Maybe…

The Wise One

Today Kai has choir auditions.. I caught him playing with the T-Rex singing "RA RA RoMlalala"! Dear God please don't let Bad Romance be his audition song!! It wasn’t. Thank the heavens. It was Baa Baa Black Sheep (Really?!?!). And he didn’t crack the nod, but that’s ok. At least he tried. He says “Anika sang very nicely mom” I said “That’s nice of you to say so. How did you sing” “Well obviously not as nicely..” he says. Not to broken up about it. Which is good, had visions of Glee and Kai as John Travolta circa 1977’s Saturday Night Fever. I think all the colouring homework is getting to him though. When I woke him up late last night to go for a wee I caught a mumbling of “Man! Do you expect me to colour my whole body in?" Lekker deur die kak..

I made another Koek...

I made a cake for a friend's friend's Bachelorette Party! And although there were a few bumps and lumps (renamed cellulite and stretch marks..) I think it rocked!

I was a bit generous on the girth (but which girl doesnt like a bit of that), but in defense it was my first attempt at making a Penis Cake.. I am sure it will only get better from here on out. In fact, every cake I may ever bake from here on out may be a penis cake.. So watch out!

Playing the Clitar?

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Oral Fixation

I love sex. I have always wanted to write about it. But I worry that it’s going to sound mills&boonesque, or too clinical. But I want women to realize how absolutely fabulous it can be, and how easy it is to achieve a great sex life.

So where do we begin? In the beginning one would presume. The beginning being the very first sex act you experience.
When I was 15 my 18 year old boyfriends asked me to “speak into the mic”… Yes, I know, not very clever, or romantic, or subtle. It was a joke. But the joke was on me. It worked.
But at least I am not afraid of blowjobs now, my partner adores me for them, and I enjoy the power my knob sucking skills give me… Ssshhhh don’t tell him that!

Ok so let’s talk about oral sex. I know you want to. Get your cup of tea and join me. Feel free to interject and ask questions. If I can make one couple happier in the bedroom then my job is done.
So do you? Do you go down south on your man? And does he return the favour?
Yes? Good!
No? Well lets discuss that.

So many of us are brought up to belive that sex is dirty, and naughty. And we don’t talk about it. And we sure as shit don’t enjoy it!! The favourite response I get from this type of girl is “No sis man! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth afterwards?”
Well no, not directly afterwards, it would beg the question as to why my mother is in my bedroom to begin with. But there is nothing that a bit of soap can’t fix. In fact my mother considers oral sex to be when you shout “Screw You!” at your sp

ouse from the bedroom.
But do you want to know a secret? Most people do do it! And they shake your hand after having a wank too. And until you actually try it, you can’t begin to imagine how pleasurable it really is. So put your prejudices aside and give it a go. Trust me, your man won’t know what hit him and you will be rewarded with love and compliments into eternity. And in some cases flowers and jewelry. As for you.. Well let’s just say a good cunning-linguist can make your toes curl, your heart skip a beat and put a smile on your face for years to come.

So you want to give it a bash? Great stuff, I am so happy to hear that.
Let’s start with the basics. If you’re a bit afraid of jumping right in there whilst he’s driving the N3 home (which by the way is great fun!), and you need a bit of mental and physical preparation, try these simple starter points.

1 Hygiene is our friend:

Make sure all the bits and bobs are sparkly and smelling (note I said smelling) of soap. If you tasting it you being paranoid!

2 Get a haircut if you want:

Some ladies like to trim the hedges, mow the lawn, polish the stoep. It’s entirely up to you. Should you prefer it naturally that’s fine. Some prefer a timid bikini wax. And some, like me, prefer the full nude Monty, called a Hollywood. And in between

the timid and the Monty you get the Brazilian, the best of both. Its also ok for men to take a trimmer to his privates too. In fact many men are doing it these days. It looks neater and feels great! Also the Urban Legend amongst the boys is that it makes one’s member appear larger. I said appear, I am not making any promises ladies. A nice way to ease into things is to maybe spend an evening giving each other down yonder haircuts. That way you can both familiarize yourself with the relevant anatomy, as well as learn to let the other person be down there for an extended period. The longer the better girls! My standard is “Can you breathe through your ears yet? No? Ok, keep going!”

3 Hide the weapons:

No teeth please. Be gentle. At first. If you can see that your partner is enjoying your ministrations, then you can apply firmer pressure, use more tongue, insert a finger etc etc. Oh, I would hold off inserting any fingers into your man until he says it’s ok.

4 Listen…..

Really listen to your partner while you down there. It might be quiet at first. But let them get used to the sensations. You will soon hear what they want you to know through their breathing, or moaning (and I mean the “Oohh yes baby” kind, not the “I couldn’t find a parking at Checkers today!” kind), or if they are feeling confident, their instructions and guidance. This is definitely what you want. Soon you will be the master of The Vagina / The Penis, and you can turn your partner on just by licking your lips!

5 ENJOY IT!

Oral Sex is a great part of foreplay, enjoy it. It prolongs the act and helps create & nurture that bond between you and your partner. It’s also a wonderful way to keep your partner satisfied if you don’t feel like having penetrative sex, or you cant for those few days of the month, or if you want to surprise them at your Nana’s 80th birthday party.

Don’t refuse your partner something so enjoyable just because you have never done it before. Especially if they have always enjoyed it, and now you are saying no. It could become an issue when it needn’t be. Trying new things, opening yourself up to new experiences is what enjoying life is all about. And you never know what you will enjoy if you don’t let your man press some new buttons on you too.

So go ahead. Shock the crap outta him. Give him a blowjob to end all blowjobs! And remember....

Finance for Dummies

When my Bank Manager sees me walk into the bank he starts unbuckling his pants. I used to think it was because I offered him blow jobs to increase my credit limit. Truth was he wanted to belt me for not paying on time.

I am not finance savvy. I wish I was. But wishing is like well, not going to get you anywhere. You were either taught from a young age how to budget, save and be financially fiscal (I am not really sure if that is the correct use of the word, but it sounds good there, so I am leaving in). Or like me, you have a mother who shops as an Olympic sport and has more cards than a Cancer patient on his way out!

So here are a few “Financial Tips” I have learned during my long time on this earth.

1 Store Cards / Credit Cards

My mother is a shopping legend, and can juggle accounts like a Boswell Wilkie pro. Then with the same breathe she will tell us girls “You gotta Budget! You gotta work out how much you ant to spend each week and stick to it!”

Every night she will come home with a parcel in fact if the door opens and we don’t hear the rustle of plastic we think it’s a burglar and pull out the shotgun.

But you want to know her secret.. My mother is the shop manager of a major retail store. The bitch knows what she is talking about. She knows! This time mother is right. And I hate that she is right, but its best to listen this time (but only this time). But it doesn't make for the fact that growing up all I have seen is her spend money, without knowing what goes on behind the scenes. So I have had unfortunate run-ins with debt collection agencies, which make ripping my nails out with pliers seem like more fun.

So ladies, if you want to stay on the better side of the credit act, and keep those Jimmy Choos from auction then follow these simple rules:

● Pay cash for everything. That’s it. Simple huh?

Ok, so it’s impossible to throw hard money on the counter for every purchase so try and ensure you only have the very necessary cards, and that you pay them diligently every month before the 7^th. Don’t ever give them a reason to hand you over to the Credit Monster who can ruin your life forever, well for 5 years at the very least.

2 Vehicle Maintenance

Then we get my car… The Black Hole for cash! If you don’t have a Maintenance Plan on your vehicle make sure that you put a little something away on a monthly basis for those unforeseen emergencies. Like a blown engine for instance which will set you back a cool R4000. And then at the same time your exhaust will develop a hole and your universal joints will decide not to universal anymore. Because it happens in threes hey? That’s what They say. I wish They would shut the fuck up and piss off.

3 Interest Rates

Ok, as I said I am completely un-savvy when it comes to economics, accounting financial reports and ooohh aaahhh (yawning)…. Sorry excuse me I almost fell asleep there! Where was I? Oh ja, interest rates. My boyfriend (he’s very, very financially smart) told me that you pay off your debt with the highest interest rates first. I don’t know why that stuck in my head, but it did, so it must be important. It means that in the long run you end up paying less. Think about it, it does make sense. Because the longer you let debt lie and the higher the interest rate is the more you end up paying. So pay the one with the higher interest rate quicker. Ok now my brain hurts.

4 End of the Year

It comes around every year, at the same time and yet we’re never prepared for it. Christmas. That bastard fat man in the red suit who makes us spend a fortune on food, alcohol and ungrateful family. By January we’re so broke we can’t even pay attention. So try putting a little away every month so it’s not such a 9/11 on your bank balance when the time comes!

So my new plan of action, to help me become more in touch with my money side, is the following:

1 I am going to draw up a Budget and stick to it strictly!

2 I am going to keep a Spending Journal to see where I fall down when it come to unnecessary purchases! (I think I know…)

3 I am going to pay cash for things as far as I can to save me in interest rates. (I sound so grown up when I say interest rates.. INTEREST RATES.)

4 I will not covet my girlfriend’s new shoes! I will not go buy a better pair..

So Girls, don’t blow your budget, or the Bank Manager!

Hot Stuff

In honour of the Shark’s fabulous 30 – 10 win on the 30^th of the 10^th against the Wee-Pee’s.. This month’s PDA (Panty Dropper Award) has to go to the one and only baby face with the legs (and one hopes other appendages) of gold, Patrick Lambie!

When I look at him I hear Ellie from Cougar Town in the back of my head, telling Jules “Go do disgusting things to that boy!” I wish I could, but the guilt would kill me.

Ex Michealhouse schoolboy Patty embarked on his rugby career with the Sharks in 2009 when he debuted against the Griqua’s at the tender age of 19. Fabulous news is we’ll be seeing much more of him seeing as he has been chosen for the Springbok squad. The Rugby Powers that be love him, and so do we! He’s the man of our match too!

So there you go all you lucky young, single ladies.. Make your mummies proud!

Foot IN Mouth Disease..

Last night Kai & I are watching the All Access interview with Gigi, from the infamous Lollipop Lounge. At the mention of single moms (wasn't listening properly, but cant imagine what she would have to say about us..) Kai says "you must go there mom! Its for single moms!" When I said "Are you nuts, its for strippers!" I opened myself up for the "What are strippers?" question.. So when I confidently responded "They're dancers, love.." He says "But you dance!" And I regretfully had to reply.. "Not that kinda dancing.."

PS: I apologize to any dancers out there.. I didn't mean to say "strippers"!

2011

The year has finally begun..

I am back at work, Kai has started school and my birthday is coming up...

Lucky I'm fat so the the wrinkles don't kick in so easy. As my dad always says "Dont worry about the wrinkles doll, it wont show easily.." "Why dad? Is it because of our great genes?" "No dear, your skin is already stretched to it's limit..."