Turning 40, is a walk on the Beach!

In January I threw my boyf and I a party for our birthdays which are a week apart.. Hawaii Style sista! Oh and by the way, he is the one turning 40, NOT me! Not yet..

Help yourself!

What a stunning party, all the hard work and money was well worth it. The Avatar had so much fun and I think he really appreciated the gesture. It warms the heart and does.. Umm.. something to the cockles. I can’t remember coz I don’t have cockles.

Anyone for some Hawaiin koek?

So many people came; we got such lovely gifts (not at all like the vibrating Jack Hammer that I got last year from the girlz!). All Avatar’s mates pitched, which I think is great for us as a couple. We seem to have no trouble integrating our two groups of friends. But I do believe there were some raised eyebrows from his kinfolk when Patty & Jody brought out the snorkel-funnels! Ha ha hahah haa.. So what. They’ll get used to them. I hope.

Only The Journo (my resident bff and cousin extraordinaire) was missing…

Best quote of the weekend?

Top Gear Gal: I like these goggles, when you wear them they make everything look bigger!

Cybafaerie: Maybe you should take them to bed with you...

Top Gear Gal's reason for the goggles...

I am NOT that Woman!

Like this? Nooo...

More like this...

I love reading a certain Men's Mag (no name mentioned). I love their quirky quips, their funny, and extremely odd facts, and their informative and well written articles..

I was sadly disappointed. The women who write for them CANNOT be real!!

The two birds (yes I called them birds, because they certainly aint my type of woman!) make the female of the species to be bar stool sitting, GHD'ed haired (and probably very platinum in shade), cocktail swilling, sequin dress wearing, "whoo hoo" yelling "poppies". Who, at the flick of a wrist, will throw a drink in your face if you haven't propositioned her with the correct pick up line, or if your bank statement doesn't cut it. I am sorry... Who the fuck does that! Not me and not my friends! So please don’t let these women tar us all with the same brush fellas.

For example.. The article was about signs that a women give off if you’re "in there". The author came across as snobby and rude and even made mention that if you don’t approach her correctly you run a very high risk of getting a drink chucked over you, in front of your mates!! How awful, and unmannered!

If you approached me in a bar I would assume its taken a shit load of guts and I would never be so cruel as to slap you down with a rude retort, or chuck a drink in your face. Especially in front of others, or your mates. If I was going to give the fella bat I would just say "Thanks, but not thanks" and move on. If I was taken I would also just say so. Most of us are not into game playing in the relationship arena.

The other Barbie doll gave the relationship advice. Wow. Umm… Ok we don’t all have stripper poles in the bedroom and have sex for weeks. Let’s come down to earth people. Most of us work for a living, a lot have kids. Can’t you write for us too?

It reads like it’s written by a young single male, who is pretending to be a fantasy woman, and giving women advice on what men want. And yet it’s supposed to be a woman giving men advice on their partners…

The mag is target market is men. Men in general. Which means that most of these men will be in relationships and that their ladies will have a sneak peek at the mag too. So let’s ask that they get a real women to write the articles on women and relationships.

And by real woman I mean someone who has maybe not fitted into her sequin dress in years, has quit smoking, has had her heart broken, who wears granny pants to work and g-strings only for her boyfriend (because they are really uncomfortable). Someone who likes to bake and scream obscenities at the rugby on a Saturday. Someone who has lived, yet is still learning. Someone who doesn’t like being in the “all women” generalization. Someone who may not be a porn star in the making, but enjoys sex just as much as the next guy. And someone who does not allow PMS, or acting crazy “just because we are women”, be an excuse for bad behaviour.

Someone like me? Maybe…

The Wise One

Today Kai has choir auditions.. I caught him playing with the T-Rex singing "RA RA RoMlalala"! Dear God please don't let Bad Romance be his audition song!! It wasn’t. Thank the heavens. It was Baa Baa Black Sheep (Really?!?!). And he didn’t crack the nod, but that’s ok. At least he tried. He says “Anika sang very nicely mom” I said “That’s nice of you to say so. How did you sing” “Well obviously not as nicely..” he says. Not to broken up about it. Which is good, had visions of Glee and Kai as John Travolta circa 1977’s Saturday Night Fever. I think all the colouring homework is getting to him though. When I woke him up late last night to go for a wee I caught a mumbling of “Man! Do you expect me to colour my whole body in?" Lekker deur die kak..

I made another Koek...

I made a cake for a friend's friend's Bachelorette Party! And although there were a few bumps and lumps (renamed cellulite and stretch marks..) I think it rocked!

I was a bit generous on the girth (but which girl doesnt like a bit of that), but in defense it was my first attempt at making a Penis Cake.. I am sure it will only get better from here on out. In fact, every cake I may ever bake from here on out may be a penis cake.. So watch out!

Playing the Clitar?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Oral Fixation

I love sex. I have always wanted to write about it. But I worry that it’s going to sound mills&boonesque, or too clinical. But I want women to realize how absolutely fabulous it can be, and how easy it is to achieve a great sex life.

So where do we begin? In the beginning one would presume. The beginning being the very first sex act you experience.
When I was 15 my 18 year old boyfriends asked me to “speak into the mic”… Yes, I know, not very clever, or romantic, or subtle. It was a joke. But the joke was on me. It worked.
But at least I am not afraid of blowjobs now, my partner adores me for them, and I enjoy the power my knob sucking skills give me… Ssshhhh don’t tell him that!

Ok so let’s talk about oral sex. I know you want to. Get your cup of tea and join me. Feel free to interject and ask questions. If I can make one couple happier in the bedroom then my job is done.
So do you? Do you go down south on your man? And does he return the favour?
Yes? Good!
No? Well lets discuss that.

So many of us are brought up to belive that sex is dirty, and naughty. And we don’t talk about it. And we sure as shit don’t enjoy it!! The favourite response I get from this type of girl is “No sis man! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth afterwards?”
Well no, not directly afterwards, it would beg the question as to why my mother is in my bedroom to begin with. But there is nothing that a bit of soap can’t fix. In fact my mother considers oral sex to be when you shout “Screw You!” at your sp

ouse from the bedroom.
But do you want to know a secret? Most people do do it! And they shake your hand after having a wank too. And until you actually try it, you can’t begin to imagine how pleasurable it really is. So put your prejudices aside and give it a go. Trust me, your man won’t know what hit him and you will be rewarded with love and compliments into eternity. And in some cases flowers and jewelry. As for you.. Well let’s just say a good cunning-linguist can make your toes curl, your heart skip a beat and put a smile on your face for years to come.

So you want to give it a bash? Great stuff, I am so happy to hear that.
Let’s start with the basics. If you’re a bit afraid of jumping right in there whilst he’s driving the N3 home (which by the way is great fun!), and you need a bit of mental and physical preparation, try these simple starter points.

1 Hygiene is our friend:

Make sure all the bits and bobs are sparkly and smelling (note I said smelling) of soap. If you tasting it you being paranoid!

2 Get a haircut if you want:

Some ladies like to trim the hedges, mow the lawn, polish the stoep. It’s entirely up to you. Should you prefer it naturally that’s fine. Some prefer a timid bikini wax. And some, like me, prefer the full nude Monty, called a Hollywood. And in between

the timid and the Monty you get the Brazilian, the best of both. Its also ok for men to take a trimmer to his privates too. In fact many men are doing it these days. It looks neater and feels great! Also the Urban Legend amongst the boys is that it makes one’s member appear larger. I said appear, I am not making any promises ladies. A nice way to ease into things is to maybe spend an evening giving each other down yonder haircuts. That way you can both familiarize yourself with the relevant anatomy, as well as learn to let the other person be down there for an extended period. The longer the better girls! My standard is “Can you breathe through your ears yet? No? Ok, keep going!”

3 Hide the weapons:

No teeth please. Be gentle. At first. If you can see that your partner is enjoying your ministrations, then you can apply firmer pressure, use more tongue, insert a finger etc etc. Oh, I would hold off inserting any fingers into your man until he says it’s ok.

4 Listen…..

Really listen to your partner while you down there. It might be quiet at first. But let them get used to the sensations. You will soon hear what they want you to know through their breathing, or moaning (and I mean the “Oohh yes baby” kind, not the “I couldn’t find a parking at Checkers today!” kind), or if they are feeling confident, their instructions and guidance. This is definitely what you want. Soon you will be the master of The Vagina / The Penis, and you can turn your partner on just by licking your lips!

5 ENJOY IT!

Oral Sex is a great part of foreplay, enjoy it. It prolongs the act and helps create & nurture that bond between you and your partner. It’s also a wonderful way to keep your partner satisfied if you don’t feel like having penetrative sex, or you cant for those few days of the month, or if you want to surprise them at your Nana’s 80th birthday party.

Don’t refuse your partner something so enjoyable just because you have never done it before. Especially if they have always enjoyed it, and now you are saying no. It could become an issue when it needn’t be. Trying new things, opening yourself up to new experiences is what enjoying life is all about. And you never know what you will enjoy if you don’t let your man press some new buttons on you too.

So go ahead. Shock the crap outta him. Give him a blowjob to end all blowjobs! And remember....