Finance for Dummies

When my Bank Manager sees me walk into the bank he starts unbuckling his pants. I used to think it was because I offered him blow jobs to increase my credit limit. Truth was he wanted to belt me for not paying on time.

I am not finance savvy. I wish I was. But wishing is like well, not going to get you anywhere. You were either taught from a young age how to budget, save and be financially fiscal (I am not really sure if that is the correct use of the word, but it sounds good there, so I am leaving in). Or like me, you have a mother who shops as an Olympic sport and has more cards than a Cancer patient on his way out!

So here are a few “Financial Tips” I have learned during my long time on this earth.

1 Store Cards / Credit Cards

My mother is a shopping legend, and can juggle accounts like a Boswell Wilkie pro. Then with the same breathe she will tell us girls “You gotta Budget! You gotta work out how much you ant to spend each week and stick to it!”

Every night she will come home with a parcel in fact if the door opens and we don’t hear the rustle of plastic we think it’s a burglar and pull out the shotgun.

But you want to know her secret.. My mother is the shop manager of a major retail store. The bitch knows what she is talking about. She knows! This time mother is right. And I hate that she is right, but its best to listen this time (but only this time). But it doesn't make for the fact that growing up all I have seen is her spend money, without knowing what goes on behind the scenes. So I have had unfortunate run-ins with debt collection agencies, which make ripping my nails out with pliers seem like more fun.

So ladies, if you want to stay on the better side of the credit act, and keep those Jimmy Choos from auction then follow these simple rules:

● Pay cash for everything. That’s it. Simple huh?

Ok, so it’s impossible to throw hard money on the counter for every purchase so try and ensure you only have the very necessary cards, and that you pay them diligently every month before the 7^th. Don’t ever give them a reason to hand you over to the Credit Monster who can ruin your life forever, well for 5 years at the very least.

2 Vehicle Maintenance

Then we get my car… The Black Hole for cash! If you don’t have a Maintenance Plan on your vehicle make sure that you put a little something away on a monthly basis for those unforeseen emergencies. Like a blown engine for instance which will set you back a cool R4000. And then at the same time your exhaust will develop a hole and your universal joints will decide not to universal anymore. Because it happens in threes hey? That’s what They say. I wish They would shut the fuck up and piss off.

3 Interest Rates

Ok, as I said I am completely un-savvy when it comes to economics, accounting financial reports and ooohh aaahhh (yawning)…. Sorry excuse me I almost fell asleep there! Where was I? Oh ja, interest rates. My boyfriend (he’s very, very financially smart) told me that you pay off your debt with the highest interest rates first. I don’t know why that stuck in my head, but it did, so it must be important. It means that in the long run you end up paying less. Think about it, it does make sense. Because the longer you let debt lie and the higher the interest rate is the more you end up paying. So pay the one with the higher interest rate quicker. Ok now my brain hurts.

4 End of the Year

It comes around every year, at the same time and yet we’re never prepared for it. Christmas. That bastard fat man in the red suit who makes us spend a fortune on food, alcohol and ungrateful family. By January we’re so broke we can’t even pay attention. So try putting a little away every month so it’s not such a 9/11 on your bank balance when the time comes!

So my new plan of action, to help me become more in touch with my money side, is the following:

1 I am going to draw up a Budget and stick to it strictly!

2 I am going to keep a Spending Journal to see where I fall down when it come to unnecessary purchases! (I think I know…)

3 I am going to pay cash for things as far as I can to save me in interest rates. (I sound so grown up when I say interest rates.. INTEREST RATES.)

4 I will not covet my girlfriend’s new shoes! I will not go buy a better pair..

So Girls, don’t blow your budget, or the Bank Manager!